Annal 128: Tale from the Reactionary Airport

I am currently sitting in a not-so-comfortable chair in an airport waiting area.  My flight doesn't board for another two and a half hours and I am really not wanting to read The Blood of the Vampire for Victorian Lit.  I don't want to edit an essay.  I don't want to start reading The Lonely Londoners and I really don't want to start working on a presentation that isn't due for almost two weeks.

Wow... think I could whine any more than what I just did?  Apparently this is one of those times where my maturity level is really shining through (insert sarcastic tone).

I really want to sleep, but I suppose that isn't really an option! It was a pretty early start this morning and since my visiting time with my family was pretty limited I stayed up rather late last night.  At least I got to sleep on my first flight.

Driving to the airport this morning with my mom and a friend we had an interesting discussion.  I am reading in Deuteronomy right now, and Moses is recapping the Israelites' time in the wilderness for them.  He just finished telling them (for the second or third time) that he can't cross over into the Promised Land.  His reasoning?  Because of them.

I had never noticed this before.  The Israelites wanted water so God told Moses to speak to a stone and then water would come forth.  Moses didn't do this.  He hit the rock with his staff instead because he was frustrated with the people.  This was what caused his zero access to Canaan.

Yet he blamed the Israelites.

It made me wonder: what if?  What if Moses had've acknowledged that yes what he did was a reaction to te actions of the Israelites, but that he had to be responsible for his actions?  Would God have let him into the Promised Land? 

I also began to wonder how much of this attitude of Moses later on affected the attitudes of the Israelites?  The need to cast blame and not take responsibility for their actions.

Something else struck me through this:  I am just like Moses.

How many times have I blamed others because of my actions?  How many times do I do things in reaction to hurts and frustrations caused by others?  How many times do I refuse to take responsibility? 

Which caused me to further question: how do these reactions of mine influence the people and circumstances around me?  Do others pick up on this attitude and as a result are encouraged to cast blame?

And what am I missing out on as a result of my attitude?

So there are some Saturday afternoon thoughts for you.  As for me, I am probably going to continue procrastinating working on a presentation or reading my books.  Maybe I will do some writing instead... or fiddle away hours on Facebook... while people-watching and devising intricate pasts for the various people around me...

Such is the life of a Christian single.

Annal 127: Tale from the Druid Circle

I miss Ireland.

Pretty sure I have mentioned going before, but just in case anyone is wondering, I went there four and a half years ago with one of my sisters.  We did a bus tour, so we started in Dublin and circled the island, returning to Dublin.  We went through Northern Ireland as well, spending a day in Belfast, one in Derry (or Londonderry, depending on who you are), and I spent my birthday visiting Blarney Castle and kissing the Blarney stone.

And so today my post is not going to be deep, but is simply going to be me sharing some favourite memories I have from my trip, with you.

There was a section of forest by Blarney Castle and it was an enchanted forest.  The colour of the trees and feel of the woods differed drastically from the rest of the gardens surrounding the castle.  This above photo is of me sitting on one of rocks that was part of a druid circle.

This is another picture of me in the enchanted forest.  This was my birthday, and was the only time our entire trip where we had sunshine for almost the entire day.



These two above photos were taken at the ruins of a fort on the Inishowen Peninsula.  Next to Blarney Castle, this was one of my favourite days from our trip.  The weather was grey and brisk, and somehow visiting ruins on such a day seemed utterly perfect.

We simply stopped during one of our drives and discovered this spot.  I loved the landscape of Ireland... everything had a sort of rugged beauty to it, a sense of being wild and untamed.  Also, you wouldn't know it but the flies in the spot were horrendous... I was being eaten alive the whole time this photo was being taken.

And this was a shot from the top of Blarney Castle, while my sister and I were making our way to the Blarney Stone to kiss it.  Truly an amazing castle to tour.  I can close my eyes and still see the spiral stone staircases we had to travel to reach the top.

There are more photos, but these were some of the highlights for me. 

Lately I feel as if reality and dream have become harder to distinguish for me, as both seem to invade upon the other.  I cannot dream without reality showing itself, but nor can I walk through my day-to-day life without some aspect of my dream life, my imagination of you will, influencing what I see.  In a way I feel like a portion of the veil that separates this world from the next has shifted, ever so slightly, and as such I see things in a slightly different light.

Or maybe I am just battling a losing battle against insanity thanks to the craziness of this semester!

Regardless of any of this, my reading week has begun.  My sister and I head home this evening, and then I fly out to visit my cousin early tomorrow morning.  Think of me during my several hour-long breaks at airports, reading Victorian literature and thinking of a take-home midterm involving 18th and 19th century Britain.  Particularly since I will be gazing out the airport windows and envisioning rocky cliffs, the crashing sea, and grasses dancing beneath a gothic sky.

Such is the life of a Christian single.

Annal 126: Tale from Valentine's Day

Obviously I cannot be the writer of a blog entitled "Annals of a Christian Single" and not comment on Valentine's Day.  That would simply be... wrong.

But before I go any further I want to clarify something:

I do not hate Valentine's Day--I don't think it is "Singles Awareness Day" or any such thing.  I also dont get depressed and want to scream and cry the whole day.  It was never a big deal in our family when I was growing up, so I grew up to not put much stock in it. 

So this is not going to be a rant about the evils of this day, nor a lament because I am single on this day.  It is simply the telling of my day.

I woke up this morning and while getting ready noticed a construction paper heart on the door of my cupboard.  It said:

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39).

As I made my way through my morning routine, I came across other such hearts.  One was on top of the container of muffins that have been my breakfast.  This one said:

"So God created man in His own image" (Genesis 1:27).

Another heart showed up on my carton of cream reading:

"Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds" (Psalm 36:5).

I opened the notebook I use to write thoughts from my devotions and found another heart.

"In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him" (1 John 4:9).

And lastly, I was putting my computer away and found another heart.

"But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).

My sister made me her Valentine.  And by doing this she reminded me that I am also God's Valentine.  Could there be a better start to the morning?

While in my first class I may or may not have had my computer open to Facebook when a message appeared on my wall from my two and a half year old nephew, asking me--via his mom--to be his Valentine today.

And then tonight I had some friends over.  We watched a movie, ate some food, I drank tea from my Knightley mug, and we just visited.  Another friend posted some Harry Potter valentine cards on my Facebook wall as well (nothing quite like Neville saying "I love your long bottom").

It was an amazing day.  I felt loved, cherished, and treasured.  I was reminded that there are people who love me, think about me, and value who I am.

I keep coming back to the verses my sister left for me.  I think of how hard it was to remember that God loves me over the last few weeks.  And then I realize that His love hasn't changed.  That I am His Valentine, and not just today.  He pursues me everyday, just like He pursued Israel.  I was reading today in Numbers how He was still guiding His people as a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night.  He never stopped leading them; in fact, he never left them.  It was they who forgot who He was.

And this is something I do too.  God has not abandoned me.  He loves me.  He treasures me.  He made me wired me to think the way that I do.  He thinks I am beautiful.

Today God used my sister, my nephew, my sister-in-law, and my friends to remind me that I have not been forgotten.

Today I got to be His Valentine.

Such is the life of a Christian single.

Annal 125: Tale from the Sigh of Relief

Alright, everyone can officially breathe a sigh of relief.

Obviously you have all been holding your breath, awaiting news on my presentation and whether or not I have become officially insane or not.  Because obviously no one has anything better to do than think about me.  Centre of the world right here, right?

My presentation went FANTASTIC... or at least I feel like it did :)

I even managed to go for almost the full hour and a half!  My prof even came up to me at the break and told me that if I wanted to run with one of my sections for my essay in the class it was perfect essay material.  And given the fact that she said I wouldn't be penalized because of the circumstances leading up to my being the only presenter, I am feeling like I did quite well.

And to be honest I needed that.  The last week and a bit has been a struggle, especially with school.  Tonight I felt like maybe I knew what I was doing... like maybe I wasn't a complete loser!  And suddenly proof-reading one essay and studying for two midterms feels manageable!

Wow... I wish I could fully describe to you all the relief I feel.  I spent the day feeling sick to my stomach, worry gnawing at my innards, stress clouding my ability to think.  And right now I feel light.  This has probably been my hardest semester of school, but once this week is over the worst of it will be done.  I will have only my major essays left, and at least with those I know what I am doing!

I am sorry I have been so all over the place lately.  I realize that nobody likes to read a downer, but being able to write through this last week has helped immensely.  So I appreciate everyone's patience.

Interesting tidbit from my devotions today: I was reading in Joshua where the twelve spies are sent into Canaan to scout out the land.  What has been really interesting with the study I am doing with some other ladies right now is that our reading takes us through the plot of the Bible.  So just a few days ago I was in Genesis and today I am in Joshua.  Which means that all God did for Israel is still fresh in my mind.

I have always been shocked at how quickly Israel forgot what God did for them.  How they seemed to forget Egypt, the Red Sea, and His provision while they travelled.

But then I look at me.  Was Christmas really just a month and a half ago?  Was that the time when God gave me a revelation about beauty that in the last few weeks I seemed to so quickly forget?  When I was in the depth of my stress and of feeling rejected and unloved I so quickly forgot that God spent a semester spelling out His love for me.  Or maybe it is less that I forgot and more that I felt He had let me down.

I wasn't supposed to struggle again.  I wasn't supposed to have such a hard time with issues I have struggled with all my life.  Or so I thought.

But I do have a God who loves me with an everlasting love.  He has pursued me like no one else ever has, and He is still pursuing me.  Will I deal with hurt at times?  Yes.  Will I feel ugly or stupid?  Sure I will.  But will God have somehow changed that even He will seem to abandon me?  No.

Such is the life of a Christian single.

Annal 124: Tale from the Weekend

Ugh...

I kind of want to crawl into bed, wrap my blankets tightly around myself and watch movies until my eyes bleed.  Or read a novel that has nothing to do with school.  Or have someone stroke my hair and tell me everything is going to be okay.

It has been a bit of a weekend.  Not all bad, not at all.  Like the Lord of the Rings marathon I had yesterday with my sister and some friends.  All three extended editions of the movies, all day.  It was pretty epic.  I just about cried when the elves showed up at Helms Deep, and don't even get me started on the scene where Eomer comes across Eowyn's body on the Fields of Pelennor.  And then you have the numorous inspirational speeches that make me want to take up arms and charge into battle with the rest of them.

It has been a bit of a weekend for other reasons.  Like the group presentation I am supposed to do tomorrow night (the hour and a half talk on "The Great God Pan").  One of the sisters of my partner died on the weekend.  My heart is just breaking for her.  But now I also have to present on my own.  My prof totally understand and won't penalize me for length or anything like that (she also doesn't expect it to be as long), but I am still extra nervous because it will be me up there talking to the class with no one else beside me.  And public speaking freaks me out.  I have been told I am not too bad at it, but my hands shake almost the entire time I am talking.  I must prefer drama--let me act out someone who is not myself before an audience.  That I can do.  So there is one aspect of my increased stress level.

Next you have the essay I wrote yesterday while watching The Fellowship of the Ring.  This would be the essay that my prof finally emailed me about today to tell me how a bunch of it won't actually work and how I should change it.  So I have spent the afternoon RE-writing an essay and doing some extra research.  Yay me.

I also have two midterms and another essay due this week.  The essay is done but here is an example of another prof who decided to change her criteria a week before the paper is due, and so I have to spend the week studying and changing parts of my paper.

Did I mention that I am also facilitating Bible study tonight?  I don't think that will be difficult but given how the rest of today has gone it makes me want to cry.

I am stressed out and to be honest I am also battling a mild case of depression.  I live in a pretty dark city, and this weekend has been darker than usual.  The sun has remained hidden behind the clouds and the result if a very dark basement suite.  And as much as I have been feeling better from what I have termed my "emotional breakdown" of last week, I am still struggling with several of the insecurities and emotions involved. 

And that bothers me.  I feel like I should be able to ignore it, hand it over to God, and then not struggle with it anymore.  But apparently life doesn't work out that way.  I had a dream Friday night where I was in a church and talking to the congregation about the need to be vulnerable before God.  In the dream everyone ignored me.

This morning I was sitting in church realizing that I have been doing that very same thing.  Several times over the last week, through multiple means, I have felt like God has been telling me to just be vulnerable with Him.  But I don't want to be because I feel like that means admitting failure--admitting that I am not doing as well as I would like to believe I am.  But I am also never going to be able to move on until I come before God and completely lay my heart bare.

Which is much easier said than done, but is something I will endeavor to do.

Alright, enough procrastination!  I have worked on a paper, I must finish working on my Bible study, and then I must go over a presentation.  If you don't hear from me again, I will probably have disappeared into the abyss that is my bed and may never return from it!

Such is the life of a Christian single.