Other times, it seems like its sole purpose is to disrupt everything you have worked hard to keep in order.
This is one of those posts that I don't really like to write. Because the Wind has been blowing quite strong lately, and while there have been moments of peaceful caresses, it has mainly been a deconstructing of all I have worked to build.
I have been made aware of something this year that, while I always knew, I tried to deal with it on the surface in hopes that it would go away. Most of you who know me or who have read this blog for any amount of time probably won't be too shocked by this.
I deal with a fair bit of insecurity.
Yeah, I know. I can hear your gasps of shock.
The reason I hate to admit to this, is because I feel like I always deal with insecurity. I was insecure about my body, insecure about my personality, insecure about school, insecure about a job... insecure about everything. And I thought that last year God took away my insecurity. I felt confident in who I was in Him. But in the last week, I have been made incredibly aware of the fact that my insecurity goes deeper than just feeling unsure of how I look.
I have watched my insecurity turn my into a self-pitying, crying mess. I have watched it infiltrate my dreams. I have watched it awaken me throughout the night.
Now if I were to be honest, I would have to say this insecurity really shows its head about once a month (draw your own conclusions). And because this is when I am usually made aware of it then, I brush it off as simply being PMS.
Today I went for a walk. An honest-to-goodness-phone-put-to-silent-date-with-God kind of a walk.
And it was a little windy. Not windy enough to drive me inside, but cool enough to keep me from ever being fully comfortable. I couldn't completely relax. I couldn't find the peace that used to accompany these walks.
I started off by talking to God. And then I realized that everything I was telling Him I have said before. And then I was pretty sure I heard Him say, "Just walk with me." So I shut my mouth and walked.
The wind kept blowing. I kept fighting back some tears. But in the silence something was being done to my heart.
Life is a little unsure for me right now. I'm somewhat of a homeless nomad. I live in the homes of the people I love, but I don't really have my own home. So I'm unsettled. I have a job for next year, which is fantastic, but it is also a year of being away from the guy I love and want to be with. There is so much uncertainty, that all I want is for something to be certain. To be steady.
To be true.
I tried to remember lessons from the past. But to be honest, that wasn't where I needed to be. God was doing something in my present. As I walked through the neighborhood, I thought of what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10:
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Paul spends the time before this passage and after it talking about his weaknesses. And talking about how ultimately it has been his weaknesses that have allowed God's strength to shine through.
I paused in my walk at a park, and sat one a little stone wall. The wind calmed down a bit, and instead of being cold and uncomfortable, I was embraced. I asked God to take away my insecurity, but I also accepted that fact that this could be something I struggle with for all of my life. That doesn't mean I allow it to cripple me, it means that I allow Him to show His strength through it. There have been times when I have felt quite low, and I hear God talking me through it, speaking truth into the lies that I'm allowing myself to be told. Lately I stopped listening to Him.
And that was wrong of me.
I was talking with a friend the other night about the idea of being self-aware of our flaws. We were talking about how often it seems like God allows everything to culminate into an unbearable mess that causes so much hurt.
Which led me to a revelation.
We humans tend to not want to change. And we are very likely to not change if we don't feel pain. I don't think God likes to see us hurt, but I also think that we are not very good at listening to his urges when there is no cost to ourselves. I don't realize that the way I am running, or where I run, is hurting me until I spend a day with my knee in constant pain. That pain is my indicator that I need to change something. Ignoring the pain doesn't make it go away--it compounds it.
I would love it if God would take away my insecurities. But I am also aware that this is something that may never go away. I'm not content though. I am not going to lie down and let insecurity overtake me. I'm going to turn to the One who made me, who holds me in His hand, who controls the wind.
I'm going to let Him be my strength.
Because when I am weak, then I am strong.
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