Do you ever feel like a complete hypocrite? Like you can profess something but when it comes to actually applying it you are an utter failure? Today I have been having one of those moments.
I had just finished telling a friend how content I am with waiting; that I am not desparate to get married and that while I would love to meet someone I know that I can wait until I meet the right guy. Shortly after this I had a glorious breakdown on God.
I have been in two dating relationships, neither one being particularly long, and the latter one really did a number on my self-esteem (something I hadn't fully realized until the last month or so). Today was a day where I just felt lonely. And not just lonely. I felt so undesirable and unloveable. I know God loves me and I know I have friends who love me--I have reiterated those facts countless times through many a blog entry.
But today I didn't feel it.
Today I felt like I was back in high school watching everyone around me pairing off while I just stood back encouraging them and trying to be happy for them. I felt like the time I put into my appearance today didn't matter because no one was going to be looking. Any confidence I felt like I had gained since coming back to school seemed to fly out the window. I felt undesirable.
I sat on the couch making flash cards for a midterm I have tomorrow while tears streamed down my face. I looked up at the ceiling and cried out, "God, what is so wrong with me?"
I wish I could end this with some uplifting lesson, but the truth is, I'm just not feeling it. I know I am loved. But today I just don't feel it. And if I'm going to share with you lessons God is teaching me, or funny experiences from being single, then I am also going to share the rough patches. Today was just one of those.
Such is the life of a Christian single.
I am now going to make an adjustment to this post. It is several hours later and I have since calmed down. There were multiple things that contributed to my feeling horrible, like a frustrating midterm, a grade I wasn't happy with, heck, tripping on my way home so that myself and my two bags went flying across the grass (embarassing much?). And, to be honest, I wish I was done with my schooling. I feel like life is on hold until I get this done, and I really want to get on with my life.
So I apologize for the emotional rant; it's not really the kind of post people want to read!
I had just finished telling a friend how content I am with waiting; that I am not desparate to get married and that while I would love to meet someone I know that I can wait until I meet the right guy. Shortly after this I had a glorious breakdown on God.
I have been in two dating relationships, neither one being particularly long, and the latter one really did a number on my self-esteem (something I hadn't fully realized until the last month or so). Today was a day where I just felt lonely. And not just lonely. I felt so undesirable and unloveable. I know God loves me and I know I have friends who love me--I have reiterated those facts countless times through many a blog entry.
But today I didn't feel it.
Today I felt like I was back in high school watching everyone around me pairing off while I just stood back encouraging them and trying to be happy for them. I felt like the time I put into my appearance today didn't matter because no one was going to be looking. Any confidence I felt like I had gained since coming back to school seemed to fly out the window. I felt undesirable.
I sat on the couch making flash cards for a midterm I have tomorrow while tears streamed down my face. I looked up at the ceiling and cried out, "God, what is so wrong with me?"
I wish I could end this with some uplifting lesson, but the truth is, I'm just not feeling it. I know I am loved. But today I just don't feel it. And if I'm going to share with you lessons God is teaching me, or funny experiences from being single, then I am also going to share the rough patches. Today was just one of those.
Such is the life of a Christian single.
I am now going to make an adjustment to this post. It is several hours later and I have since calmed down. There were multiple things that contributed to my feeling horrible, like a frustrating midterm, a grade I wasn't happy with, heck, tripping on my way home so that myself and my two bags went flying across the grass (embarassing much?). And, to be honest, I wish I was done with my schooling. I feel like life is on hold until I get this done, and I really want to get on with my life.
So I apologize for the emotional rant; it's not really the kind of post people want to read!
