It has been a while.
As in longer than a usual while.
You have my sincerest apologies.
You see, after my last post I was plunged into the most stressful part of my long practicum. That finished about two weeks ago and I have been enjoying that luxury known as "Spring Break." I would have written sooner, but Charming came out for a week long visit, and I'm afraid I wasn't willing to spend what little time we get together on a computer. Not even if it meant writing a post that I'm sure all of you have just been biting your nails with anticipation over. Because people are just that into my blog :P
But that is not the only reason I haven't written in a while. For the last 5 or 6 weeks I have had so many ideas circulating through my mind, but none of them have quite seemed complete. I have talked to people, done reading, looked at pictures... but I could not seem to draw the connection between all of my numerous thoughts.
Then came my drive to church this morning. You see, I'm visiting my brother and his family, and the drive to their church takes you through glorious farmland surrounded by rolling hills and mountain peaks in the distance. It has been gloriously hot weather (for March anyway), and the sunshine is breathtaking. Yet this beauty was not what caught my attention. While thoroughly enjoying this beauty, I have to be honest and say that my mind was more concerned with missing Charming (I put him back on a plane on Tuesday, and now have to wait a few more months before our next visit). I finally pulled my thoughts away and decided to focus on the fact that it is Good Friday.
Last year I didn't get to go to a Good Friday service. I had class late the night before so my sister and I drove back home the Friday morning. So my thoughts went back to two years ago. What I remembered shocked me.
Two years ago was the Easter after my Mom was fired. It marked the beginning of a year and a half long journey through forgiveness. I hadn't even started blogging at that point.
My mind started thinking about that journey of forgiveness. If you had told me two years ago that God was going to take something that left me so hurt, rejected, and angry, and was going to somehow bring beauty from it, I honestly don't think I would have believed you. Two years ago forgiveness didn't seem like an option. One year ago it was a possibility but still something incredibly difficult to deal with. While I will be the first to confess that I still deal with cynicism, that there are some parts of church that will get my back up, I can also confess that I am not the same person today that I was two years ago. God has changed me. He has taken something that was twisted and hurt and angry, and made something beautiful out of it.
There is this house near Fort Langley that a good friend and I love to drive by. It is red, abandoned, and nestled in the middle of a field.
This house catches my attention every time I see it. I wonder at the story of it. Why was it abandoned? What happened within its walls?
Most importantly, how did a house like this come to be so rich in beauty? How does it grab your attention and draw you in?
During the service today we sung the song "How Deep the Father's Love for Us." Here is the first verse:
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all meaure.
That he should give His only Son,
To make a wretch His treasure.
As we sung these words I could feel something within me stop.
I am such a wretch. Lately I have become more and more aware of this. One thing I have noticed with being in a relationship is that I suddenly become far more aware of my flaws. I would love to tell you that dating someone means you always feel great about yourself. But the truth is that I have become far more aware of just how human I am. Specifically, I begin to realize my shortcomings when it comes to my relationship with God. And in that process I realize just how incredibly patient He is.
I am such a wretch.
And yet the Father's love is so great, so measureless, that He gave His Son to make me His treasure. He takes me, a wretched, imperfect creature, and somehow He makes something beautiful out of my life. He takes a wretch and makes it a treasure.
This process is not always fun. Sometimes I get to spend time basking in God's love. Sometimes He spends time telling me He loves me and that He finds me beautiful.
Other times He draws attention to my faults. He shows me that while I have come a long way, I still have a long way to go. I am nowhere near perfect. I am flawed. But with His power and His strength, I am being transformed. To be left alone would be easy, but would produced only more wretchedness. He Christ did not die for me to remain a wretch.
He died to save me. To resore me. To make me His treasure.