Saturday, 14 July 2012

Annal 168: Tale from the Deep

I have started this post a few times over the last week, and every time I start to write I have to stop.  I was interrupted.  Or what I wanted to say didn't seem to come to me.  Or I just didn't know what I wanted to say.  Now, sitting in a dark room with a ceiling fan whirring above me, the empty house completely silent except for the occasional purring of the cat (I am house sitting... it is not my cat), I feel the need to write.  The compulsion to write, you could say.

Almost every post I have written this summer has dealt with the sense of floating that seems to have overtaken me.  I work, I socialize, I sleep.  That has seemed to sum up my life.  This is not a bad thing and I don't for one moment want to make it sound like I don't enjoy this.  I absolutely adore my job still and cannot complain about it at all.  My foreman even told me I should forget about teaching and just stay on as his assistant!  I can't remember the last time I was ever this social.  It seems as if every night I am out doing something or talking to someone.  And sleep... well... sleep hasn't been all that great, lol.  Still dealing with restless nights like I did all last semester.  But such is life.

So the fact is, I really can't complain.  And I am not trying to. 

But the truth is that somewhere within me, somewhere in the depths of my soul, something is crying out.  I have never felt more cherished and loved in my life than I have since coming back home this summer, which is a miracle given how concerned I was about returning.  Yet despite this there is a discontent.

Last semester God showed me how fully He could take care of me.  He showed me His love.  He proved His faithfulness.  He took my hurts, my insecurities, my bitterness, my unforgiveness... all the gashes and bruises on my heart, and He began to make me whole.  He took a woman who could barely stand the sight of herself, and He began to show her how He sees her.  He gave her glimpses of the woman He created her to be.  He spoke to her in ways that only those who knew the deepest longings of her heart would ever know to speak.

I went from a situation like that, a situation where the intimacy I experienced with my Creator was such that I had never experienced before--where I learned to see His touch and hear His voice in everything--to a life where I don't have the same time as I used to.  When I am not working or visiting I find myself utterly exhausted.  Sometimes the thought of leaving the house for a walk in the evening makes me want to cry.

To be honest, this morning I was feeling really discouraged with regards to all of this.  I felt a failure.  It seemed as if all I had learned had been for naught.  I had let God down yet again.

This evening I began to reread some of my old postings from the last year.  Again and again I read about God's faithfulness to me.

Tonight I came to the home where I am house sitting, got ready to go to sleep, crawled into bed, and just began to cry.  Curled up all I could do was ask God to just hold me.

I knew last semester that I was in a unique position.  I knew that a time would come where I would not feel the closeness to my LORD that I previously had.

But that doesn't mean that He isn't here.

I think I sometimes just forget that.

Today I think He was trying to remind me of this.  That the gnawing deep within was His way of reminding me that He is near.  That even though I can't do all that I did while I was in school it doesn't change His faithfulness.

So that is my goal.  To open my eyes to see what God wants to show me.  To remember to listen.  To see the beauty in whatever He is trying to show me.  To remember that He has not left me and for me to include Him in all that I do, from installing fire bells in a high school to sun bathing at the lake.

I just have to remember to listen.

Such is the life of a Christian single.