Annal 172: Tale from Packing

As I write this post I am having trouble keeping my left eye open.  I am also having through seeing through the dried-out bleariness that are my contact lenses.  Both of these are a result of a half our nap I just woke up from.  See, yesterday was my monthly shift at the deli.  Which meant I started work at 4:30am (and thus awoke at 3:30am).  No big deal, right?  Except they asked me to come in again last night/this morning to help with trays.  So I got off work yesterday at 1 in the afternoon, went to an Alice in Wonderland themed birthday part for one of my faery godchildren, visited and played games with my brother and his family who were up visiting, slept intermittently for 2.5 hours, and headed back to the deli for midnight.  Where I made trays until 4 and then returned home to sleep for about 1.5 hours.  After this I said good bye to my visiting family, had breakfast, and headed over to my other brother's house to help him rip out drywall in his basement (I got to take apart light fixtures and figure out how to work his new smoke detectors since I'm the closest thing to an electrician my family has... scary thought, isn't it?).  Then it was home to shower and start packing, after which was church and then a return home where I found myself falling asleep while talking to Charming (I'm a horrible person, aren't I).

This week has been a busy week and I'm still not sure where the time went.  In six days I begin my trek back to school and I'm not sure if I'm more stressed or excited about it.  See, this past Monday was my birthday (which was wonderful as one of my dearest friends in the world left her children with her husband and came over for a 'sleepover'), and I got a letter that put a damper on some plans.  This letter had to do with my student loans.  I was informed that I because of an "overaward" they calculated that I owed from three years ago, I could not receive about half of my loan.  So I'm only getting half of the money I was eligible for and expecting.  So that came as a bit of a shock and has been something I have been trying to deal with all week.

I keep telling myself it will all work out.  I will get a part time job, or apply for a line of credit, or something like that.  I was actually having fun thinking of all the ways I could be frugal (living off of potato soup and toast).  Then I got a bit of a surprise today.

I went through some boxes of clothes as I began my packing today.  For my education program I am going to be spending a lot of time in classrooms, which means I need a wardrobe for that.  I was a little stressed out because a lot of my dress clothes from my year of teaching are looking pretty warn out and I just was not looking forward to having to spend money to buy new clothes.  As I went through these boxes, however, I discovered a few tops that I had bought over the years but never worn because I wasn't comfortable with how they looked on me.  Thanks to all of the running with my foreman this summer, I tried on these tops and they fit perfectly.  All of a sudden I have brand new clothes to wear and I didn't have to spend money on them :)

Maybe this sounds silly, but for me it meant the world.  It was just one way that God showed me He was looking out for me.  And on a day when I am physically exhausted and ready to cry at the drop of a hat because of this exhaustion (functioning on 5 sporadic hours of sleep over the last 39 hours), I don't think God could've found a more perfect way to say "I love you."

My life is changing and that is really starting to hit me now, especially since I started packing.  In a few short days I am driving myself off to school and that will begin the last year of my postsecondary education.  In less than a year I will be done my schooling and looking for work.  I have to meet new people, find a new church, and adjust to life farther away from my family.

And right now everything sees bigger than it really is.  I know this.  I know that after spending tonight sleeping in a real bed with no alarm set for the morning I will feel a hundred times better.  But for now I am mourning a bit of the life that I am leaving behind.

I know God will continue to take care of me.  I know He will continue to reveal Himself to me.  I'm looking forward to running through my new campus, the ocean and mountains providing the perfect environment to worship.  I'm looking forward to figuring out a new groove and I can hardly wait to see what God has to teach me.  I just hope I am willing to learn!

So I don't really know what the point of this post has been... I think I have just been attempting to sort through the thoughts and emotions that have been (I was going to say "scurrying" but that is much too mild of a word) forming a swirling vortex in my head.  So thank you for bearing with me and listening to this, even if it doesn't have much of a point!

This is my story.

Annal 171: Tale from my Early Morning Reflections

Memo to self: trying to write a blog post when you are not wearing your glasses and haven't put your contacts in yet could prove rather difficult.  As such, I am blaming any errors on my slight inability to read what I am writing (yes, I am aware I could go upstairs and search for my glasses, but that would just be far too easy).

So this morning my sister took off for her end-of-summer trip to Hawaii with her boyfriend and his family (no, I'm not jealous at all... I would  much rather be here, working).  When I head to the coast for school I will get to see her briefly, but then it is good bye.

And to be honest, I'm having a little bit of a hard morning.

I guess it is finally hitting me that I'm going to be farther away than a four hour drive from my family.  My one brother and his family will be close, which will be nice, but as for everyone else the only chances I will get at seeing them are when I come home for Christmas or my end of semester breaks, or else when they are able to make it into my neck of the woods.

I'm excited for this adventure.  I really am.  And it will be good preparation for next year when I will be moving across the country to be closer to Charming (this will be my blog name for my man... because despite sometimes coming across like a complete ass, he really is incredibly sweet and charming).  Which is something else I'm excited about.

But this is still change and is still something I need to adjust to.

My birthday is on Monday and before she left my sister made me a mix CD for it.  I hopped in my car to run to the store last night and put the CD on.  The very first track was "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys.  I started tearing up at that point.

Despite a five year age gap between us, my sister and I are very close.  We weren't always (I mean, come on, what teenager really wants to have some annoying kid following them around :P ), but that changed over the last decade (which, by the way, makes me feel very old to say).  We lived together last year.  This is the same sister who made me Valentines and left them all over the house.  The one I went for walks with, talked with, laughed with, and cried with.  Heck, we even tended to get sick together.  I dreamt she was kidnapped by vampires and zombies and I had to save her.  You get the two of us and our youngest sister together and you have something that is just plain CRAZY.  We sing and dance while we do dishes.  We go for roadtrips that involve horribly off-key singing at absurdly loud volumes.

And as much as I am excited for this year and the next and all that they hold, I'm going to miss what I have had.  I'm going to miss padding around the house in my jammies with my family.  I'm going to miss my youngest sister poking fun at my crazy morning hair (because my hair truly does have a mind of its own).  I'm going to miss doing my devotions in the morning with my dad.  Coming home from work and just talking in the kitchen with my mom.  Heading over to my one brother's house for some sibling video gaming.

I know this year will hold lots of excitement.  I know it will be good for me.  I know God will get me through it because, as anyone who has read my blog can attest to, He has more than proven HImself faithful.

He took a girl who was so wrapped up in insecurity that she could barely breathe, and showed her that it was okay for her to embrace the quirkiness He placed inside her and become the woman He created.

He took a girl whose heart was in pieces because of rejection from friends and hurt caused by church leadership and showed her people who care.  Not only that, but He began to draw out the compassion that had been dormant in her for a few years.  He took hurt and pain and is making something beautiful out of it.

He took a girl scarred by past relationships and showed her how much He loves and treasures her.  And as she bacame confident in His love, He brought her a Charming who continually reminds her of her value in his eyes.

He took that which was broken and is making it whole.

When I look at that list I am completely overwhelmed by the goodness of God.  He didn't take away my hurt or my pain, but He healed them.  I know that I will have hrrd times this year.  I know being separated from most of my family, but not all (pretty sure my brother and his fmaily being only a little over an hour away is a sign of God's grace), and Charming will make things hard.  I know it will be a tight year financially.  I know I will struggle.

And I know my struggles won't disappear.

But I am taking comfort in the knowledge that God will not leave me alone in the hard times.  I am floored when I think on His faithfulness.  And I know He won't stop being faithful. 

And so I will trust.

This is my story.

Annal 170: Tale from the Confession

Okay, so I have the slightest of confessions to make.

Last Sunday I wrote a post about the Heidelberg Catechism.  Shortly after I wrote this and posted it on Facebook I also changed my profile picture.  This picture may have been of me with a man.  In the picture I may have been starting somewhat affectionately at the man whose arm was around me.

This man may or may not be my boyfriend.

And I may or may not have laughed continually at the number of hits Sunday's posting received from people who were hoping for details about this guy.

Okay, so maybe those are two confessions.

But there you have it.  I am, what you would call, "in a relationship."

Which still feels pretty bizarre to me.

For over two months now my writing has been sporadic and I have been hinting at things going on in my life.  Good things.  Well, those things pretty much entirely had to do with this guy.

I'm not going to put all the details on here because, quite frankly, he sometimes reads my blog and the last thing I need is for him to get an even bigger head than he already has :)  But I am incredibly happy.  We met four years ago at a wedding.  I was the maid-of-honour, he was a groomsman.  I don't really remember him, he remembers me.  We reconnected on Facebook roughly six months ago.  He came to visit me 15 days ago (did I mention he lives across the country?  Not so much fun there).  Apparently he likes me.

The truth is, I am floored by how all of this has come about.  You have read my posts from this spring and summer.  God truly brought me to a place where the last thing I was doing was looking for a man.  I can genuinely say that I was at peace with being single.  With waiting. 

And then something happened that I never once expected.  Not only did I not expect it, I didn't want it.  I had every intention of never falling for this guy.  NEVER.  I was not interested and I did everything I could to maintain this lack of interest.

And look where that got me, lol!

I am happy.  I feel incredibly blessed.  I am amazed that I serve a God who could orchestrate something like this... never did I imagine my story taking a turn like this.  I guess God is a far better Author than I could ever hope to be.

People have asked me if I will continue this blog and I will.  It will still be "Annals of a Christian Single" seeing as whenever I fill out legal forms I am still considered single.  My plan has always been to carry on with this blog until there is a ring on my finger and a changing of my last name.

So don't worry, you will still get to hear all about my zany and quirky life (because I know all of you were terribly concerned about that).  I will still chronicle my story, from the humorous to the sorrowful.

My journey is nowhere close to ending :)

So there you have it.  There is the update on life. 

This is my confession.

Annal 169: Tale from Heidelberg

Hello.

I am aware that a rather large period of time has passed since last I posted.  As in nearly a month.  As much as I feel like a horrible person for letting my blog fall by the wayside, I don't believe in posting just for the sake of posting.  A lot has been going on--all good, so don't worry :)  But the result has been a severe shortage in time available for blogging.

So I apologize and here I am now :)

I have been thinking back over common themes in my writing in the last year and perhaps the one that has stuck out the most, at least to me, is that of church.  My own battles with past churches, a bit about my dissatisfaction with church now... that sort of thing.  I grew up going to Pentecostal churches (with a stint in the Anglican as well).  The result of this was that a great deal of emphasis growing up was placed on the experiential aspects of my faith.  My church dealt a lot with emotionalism.  The upside to this is that I know God created me as an emotional creature, and as such I also know that He speaks to me through that part of me.  Vast numbers of my posts have detailed some of these very experiences.

What I find now, though, is that when it comes to church I crave so much more.  Specifically, I crave teaching.  When I am taught something about the Bible that I didn't previously know, or something that changes how I go about reading my Bible, my faith seems to come alive.  I thrive on having my mind challenged, on having to engage my brain, on learning.

This has been something that I have been dealing with for quite a long time.  It managed to make its way into a conversation I had last week with my boyfriend where he mentioned learning the Heidelberg Catechism growing up.  I talked to my dad and it turns out he has a book on this catechism.  I am forcing myself to read it slowly (the book is designed to be done over the course of a year), and thought I would share with you parts of my journey through it.  Week one touched on the first two questions and answers of the catechism.

Question 1: What is your only comfort in life and in death?

Answer 1: That I am not my own, but belong--body and soul, in life and in death--to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.  He has fully paid for all my sins with His precious blood, and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.  He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven: in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.  Because I belong to Him, Christ, by His Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for Him.

Question 2: What must you know to live and die in the joy of this comfort?

Answer 2: Three things: first, how great my sin and misery are; second, how I am set free from all my sins and misery; third, how I am to thank God for such deliverance.

Wow, right?

The devotion that goes along with these questions then makes the following point on the concept of comfort:

"Comfort does not mean Christ makes all the bad things in life go away.  Comfort, as Ursinus put it, 'results from a certain process of reasoning, in which we oppose something good to something evil, that by a proper consideration of this good, we may mitigate our grief, and patiently endure evil.' In other words, comfort puts before us a greater joy to outweigh present and anticipated sufferings."

Comfort doesn't mean all the crap in life goes away.  It doesn't mean the storm will stop.  It doesn't mean all of the lights will go on and everything will suddenly become crystal clear.  If I try to take comfort in the belief that God will take away all of my pain and suffering I will live only to be sorely disappointed. 

But if I instead choose to take comfort in the knowledge that I belong to Christ, that He has saved my from my sin and my misery, and that because I belong to Him I have the promise of eternal life, then suddenly I have a greater joy to hold onto when things go wrong.  When I come up against a brick wall, I won't be crushed because God doesn't make it go away.  I will trust that He will help me climb the wall or find a way around it.

So this is what I am meditating on this week.  Next week I will move onto the next few questions of the Heidelberg Catechism, but for now I will rest in the knowledge that my comfort is in Christ.

Annal 168: Tale from the Deep

I have started this post a few times over the last week, and every time I start to write I have to stop.  I was interrupted.  Or what I wanted to say didn't seem to come to me.  Or I just didn't know what I wanted to say.  Now, sitting in a dark room with a ceiling fan whirring above me, the empty house completely silent except for the occasional purring of the cat (I am house sitting... it is not my cat), I feel the need to write.  The compulsion to write, you could say.

Almost every post I have written this summer has dealt with the sense of floating that seems to have overtaken me.  I work, I socialize, I sleep.  That has seemed to sum up my life.  This is not a bad thing and I don't for one moment want to make it sound like I don't enjoy this.  I absolutely adore my job still and cannot complain about it at all.  My foreman even told me I should forget about teaching and just stay on as his assistant!  I can't remember the last time I was ever this social.  It seems as if every night I am out doing something or talking to someone.  And sleep... well... sleep hasn't been all that great, lol.  Still dealing with restless nights like I did all last semester.  But such is life.

So the fact is, I really can't complain.  And I am not trying to. 

But the truth is that somewhere within me, somewhere in the depths of my soul, something is crying out.  I have never felt more cherished and loved in my life than I have since coming back home this summer, which is a miracle given how concerned I was about returning.  Yet despite this there is a discontent.

Last semester God showed me how fully He could take care of me.  He showed me His love.  He proved His faithfulness.  He took my hurts, my insecurities, my bitterness, my unforgiveness... all the gashes and bruises on my heart, and He began to make me whole.  He took a woman who could barely stand the sight of herself, and He began to show her how He sees her.  He gave her glimpses of the woman He created her to be.  He spoke to her in ways that only those who knew the deepest longings of her heart would ever know to speak.

I went from a situation like that, a situation where the intimacy I experienced with my Creator was such that I had never experienced before--where I learned to see His touch and hear His voice in everything--to a life where I don't have the same time as I used to.  When I am not working or visiting I find myself utterly exhausted.  Sometimes the thought of leaving the house for a walk in the evening makes me want to cry.

To be honest, this morning I was feeling really discouraged with regards to all of this.  I felt a failure.  It seemed as if all I had learned had been for naught.  I had let God down yet again.

This evening I began to reread some of my old postings from the last year.  Again and again I read about God's faithfulness to me.

Tonight I came to the home where I am house sitting, got ready to go to sleep, crawled into bed, and just began to cry.  Curled up all I could do was ask God to just hold me.

I knew last semester that I was in a unique position.  I knew that a time would come where I would not feel the closeness to my LORD that I previously had.

But that doesn't mean that He isn't here.

I think I sometimes just forget that.

Today I think He was trying to remind me of this.  That the gnawing deep within was His way of reminding me that He is near.  That even though I can't do all that I did while I was in school it doesn't change His faithfulness.

So that is my goal.  To open my eyes to see what God wants to show me.  To remember to listen.  To see the beauty in whatever He is trying to show me.  To remember that He has not left me and for me to include Him in all that I do, from installing fire bells in a high school to sun bathing at the lake.

I just have to remember to listen.

Such is the life of a Christian single.