When I was twelve years old, I went through this phase. I know you may find this hard to believe, but I am in possession of somewhat of an overactive imagination. Shocking, I know. So I fully understand that you will struggle believing me when I say that throughout my grade seven year I was constantly trying to find a way into Narnia.
I had The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe paper dolls that came with a backdrop. I would close my eyes and try to stick my hands through the backdrop.
I would try walking through the back of my closet.
I would close my eyes and try walking through the coat rooms at my school.
Even now I will come upon a particularly romantic lamp post and will find myself scanning my surroundings for the arrival of Mr. Tumnus. Sometimes I even refer to myself, in my head of course, as a Daughter of Eve.
The reason I say all of this is because you will then understand why everything about my devotions this morning led me back to C.S. Lewis, specifically to The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
One of the books I am reading right now is The Jesus Way by Eugene Peterson, where he looks at how Jesus is the way and how this is particularly reflected throughout the Old Testament. Right now I am reading a chapter on Isaiah that looks at the holiness of God. Peterson talks about King Uzziah, a man who had feared God yet ended up desecrating the temple. He wanted to deal with God how he wanted to deal with God--"as one sovereign to another." As a result Uzziah became leprous. Peterson then compares this experience to Isaiah's temple experience, where instead of trying to use God, Isaiah went to worship and to pray. He says something that really caught my attention: "'Our God is a consuming fire' (Hebrews 12:29), not fire to be played with. Holy, Holy, Holy is not Christian needlepoint." There was another point where Peterson commented on holy ground also being dangerous ground--you approach with reverence.
Hearing this brought be instantly to a discussion the Pevensie children had with the Beavers in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he--quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
So here I am sitting, thinking on what Peterson had said while envisioning a scene from one of my favourite books. Then I reach for Worship by the Book, and start reading the last two distinctives of worship that Hughes outlines. He talks of worship being wholehearted, and then his last point stopped me in my tracks. He says that worship is reverent.
In Hebrews 12, Hughes points out that two mountains are mentioned: Sinai and Zion. He says the author of Hebrews states that we have not come to the consuming fires of God on Mount Sinai, but rather to the consummate grace of God that is Mount Zion. However (and this is key), Hugues tells us that our graced standing requires two things: obedience and worship which we see outlined here: "Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our 'God is a consuming fire'" (Hebrews 12:28, 29).
First of all, I thought it was pretty fascinating that Hughes used the same reference that Peterson used (Yay! I love it when there are connections in what I am reading).
Secondly, I love how Hughes summarizes this. Here is what he says:
"Very simply, both mountains reveal God. The God of Zion is the same God as the God of Sinai. And though we can approach him because of his unbounded grace, he remains a holy consuming fire... Christians ought to enjoy life to the fullest. But they must also know and understand that God remains a 'consuming fire' and that acceptable worship takes place when there is authentic reverence and awe in all of life, not the least in corporate worship."
Sometimes I think I forget about who God is. I know He loves me, I know He has given me grace, I know He has forgiven me, and I know that I have a personal relationship with Him. But sometimes I forget that He is also a consuming fire. That He is holy. And that this means that while He is good, it also means we are not "safe" as Lewis terms it.
I think Peterson shows this best.
"Holiness is the most attractive quality, the most intense experience, we ever get out of sheer life--authentic, undiluted, firsthand living, not life looked at and enjoyed from a distance. We find ourselves in on the operations of God himself, not talking about them, not reading about them. But at the very moment that we find ourselves in on more than ourselves, we realize we also might very well lose ourselves. We cannot domesticate The Holy."
This is scary. It is frightening to stand on holy ground and know that to do so means you will never be the same. That to give God the reverence and awe that is rightfully His, to fully worship Him in such a manner, means that we have to put ourselves aside. I wrote on Monday about how particularly self-centered I have felt lately. But the truth is, it isn't about me. And if I want to live my life in the holy presence of God, I need to realize that He is a consuming fire. That He will bring to light the things about me that I don't want to see and that I definitely don't want others to see.
And that's not safe.
But it's good.
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Monday, 7 January 2013
Annal 191: Tale from the Children's Bible
I have arrived back at school. My plane got in bright and early yesterday morning, and I ended up having a bit of time while I waited for my ride. Rather than just people watch like the last blog post I wrote about time spent in an airport, I decided to pull out some of the books I'm doing with my devotions and to do a bit of reading.
I am not going to lie. It has felt like tough slogging this last semester. Every so often I would find a gem it what I was reading, but it was nothing like last winter/spring, where everyday God brought something to my attention. Where everyday it seemed like my mind was being blown away. Maybe it was just a dryer period in my reading, I don't know.
When I was in Ontario, Charming and I were invited for lunch at the home of some of his friends, a couple who are both teachers. After lunch they reached for their Bible. Now they also have a two year old son, and as he had not gone down for his nap yet, they grabbed his Bible instead. I had to smile, as it was the same Bible all the children in my family now possess (my father made it his mission to look for the most theologically-sound Bible he could find). After they had read a story in it, I remarked about my niece and nephews having the same one and mentioned the effort my Dad had put into finding it. The wife smiled and explained how much she liked that every story pointed to Jesus. How He is the theme of the Bible.
For whatever reason, this memory stuck with me throughout my Christmas break. Then I had a moment, in the Vancouver airport, where everything began to come together, and that lunch time experience was the jumping point.
One of the books I'm reading right now is Worship by the Book and it is a collaborative work by D.A. Carson, Mark Ashton, R. Kent Hughes, and Timothy Keller. Each of the men come from a different denominational background, but discuss a biblical theology of worship. Right now I am working my way through Hughes' section, and at this point he is discussing what he calls the distinctives of worship.
The first point, and the one I read yesterday, is that worship is God-centered.
Seems pretty basic, right?
Yet we miss the point a lot. Hughes does not say that church should not be culturally sensitive, or that it shouldn't appeal to the hearts of the people out there. What he is saying is that at the root of it all, worship MUST be God-centered.
When worship becomes human-focused, we can end up with preaching that focuses on lighter, topical subjects because we believe that teaching what is in the Bible is too "heavy." The result is that churches are "producing a people who are weak in their knowledge of the Scriptures as well as of the great writings and music of the church." We end up "dumbing down" church. I know Charming and I discussed this a bit when I was visiting him with regards to teenagers (me from a high school teaching perspective, him from the perspective of a youth leader). We have this knack for thinking youth stupid--for thinking that they can't handle being challenged, that they must be spoon fed everything. Yet what does that teach them? Does it make their faith something strong? Something they can depend on? Something that will keep them from drowning when the storms start raging?
Today I read Hughes' next distinctive: worship is Christ-centered. Here is how he begins this section:
"The New Testament does not reveal a greater God than does the Old Testament, but the New Testament provides a greater revelation of that God. As the Apostle John so beautifully said, 'No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known' (John 1:18). The phrase 'has made him known' is the single Greek word exegesato, from which comes our English word exegesis--so that, as Carson says, 'we might almost say that Jesus is the exegesis of God.' Jesus explained (exegeted, narrated) God for us. As the Word, he is God's ultimate self-expression."
And then I had to stop.
Jesus is the Word. Jesus is the running theme of the Bible (the Word). Jesus is the Word that explains God.
Maybe it's just the English student in me, but I find this exciting!
Sometimes I think we fall into the habit of asking God what we get out of this whole Christianity deal. Our focus becomes what the Bible has to say about us.
But the truth of the matter, is that it is all about God. One of the things that Hughes points out, and that Jesus also stressed in Luke 24:25-27, is that the Old Testament all points to Him. And He is the Word that explains God.
A.W. Tozer is quoted as saying this:
"Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So one hundred worshipers met together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be were they to become 'unity' conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship."
Maybe none of this has made sense, and if that is the case I apologize. I just know that for me it was an incredible experience to read something that grabbed my attention and, in a way, blew my mind by the connections that were made. And that ultimately made me step back and re-evaluate myself. What is my focus? Is my worship God-centered, or is it me-centered? The stress of a new semester has been clinging to me (I may or may not have had an emotional breakdown on both my sister and Charming last night), and I'm not going to lie, my focus for the last little while has been more selfishly focused.
And I don't want to be that person. I want to be a piano tuned to that one Fork. I want my life to be a life of worship, and worship that is focused on God.
I am not going to lie. It has felt like tough slogging this last semester. Every so often I would find a gem it what I was reading, but it was nothing like last winter/spring, where everyday God brought something to my attention. Where everyday it seemed like my mind was being blown away. Maybe it was just a dryer period in my reading, I don't know.
When I was in Ontario, Charming and I were invited for lunch at the home of some of his friends, a couple who are both teachers. After lunch they reached for their Bible. Now they also have a two year old son, and as he had not gone down for his nap yet, they grabbed his Bible instead. I had to smile, as it was the same Bible all the children in my family now possess (my father made it his mission to look for the most theologically-sound Bible he could find). After they had read a story in it, I remarked about my niece and nephews having the same one and mentioned the effort my Dad had put into finding it. The wife smiled and explained how much she liked that every story pointed to Jesus. How He is the theme of the Bible.
For whatever reason, this memory stuck with me throughout my Christmas break. Then I had a moment, in the Vancouver airport, where everything began to come together, and that lunch time experience was the jumping point.
One of the books I'm reading right now is Worship by the Book and it is a collaborative work by D.A. Carson, Mark Ashton, R. Kent Hughes, and Timothy Keller. Each of the men come from a different denominational background, but discuss a biblical theology of worship. Right now I am working my way through Hughes' section, and at this point he is discussing what he calls the distinctives of worship.
The first point, and the one I read yesterday, is that worship is God-centered.
Seems pretty basic, right?
Yet we miss the point a lot. Hughes does not say that church should not be culturally sensitive, or that it shouldn't appeal to the hearts of the people out there. What he is saying is that at the root of it all, worship MUST be God-centered.
When worship becomes human-focused, we can end up with preaching that focuses on lighter, topical subjects because we believe that teaching what is in the Bible is too "heavy." The result is that churches are "producing a people who are weak in their knowledge of the Scriptures as well as of the great writings and music of the church." We end up "dumbing down" church. I know Charming and I discussed this a bit when I was visiting him with regards to teenagers (me from a high school teaching perspective, him from the perspective of a youth leader). We have this knack for thinking youth stupid--for thinking that they can't handle being challenged, that they must be spoon fed everything. Yet what does that teach them? Does it make their faith something strong? Something they can depend on? Something that will keep them from drowning when the storms start raging?
Today I read Hughes' next distinctive: worship is Christ-centered. Here is how he begins this section:
"The New Testament does not reveal a greater God than does the Old Testament, but the New Testament provides a greater revelation of that God. As the Apostle John so beautifully said, 'No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known' (John 1:18). The phrase 'has made him known' is the single Greek word exegesato, from which comes our English word exegesis--so that, as Carson says, 'we might almost say that Jesus is the exegesis of God.' Jesus explained (exegeted, narrated) God for us. As the Word, he is God's ultimate self-expression."
And then I had to stop.
Jesus is the Word. Jesus is the running theme of the Bible (the Word). Jesus is the Word that explains God.
Maybe it's just the English student in me, but I find this exciting!
Sometimes I think we fall into the habit of asking God what we get out of this whole Christianity deal. Our focus becomes what the Bible has to say about us.
But the truth of the matter, is that it is all about God. One of the things that Hughes points out, and that Jesus also stressed in Luke 24:25-27, is that the Old Testament all points to Him. And He is the Word that explains God.
A.W. Tozer is quoted as saying this:
"Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So one hundred worshipers met together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be were they to become 'unity' conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship."
Maybe none of this has made sense, and if that is the case I apologize. I just know that for me it was an incredible experience to read something that grabbed my attention and, in a way, blew my mind by the connections that were made. And that ultimately made me step back and re-evaluate myself. What is my focus? Is my worship God-centered, or is it me-centered? The stress of a new semester has been clinging to me (I may or may not have had an emotional breakdown on both my sister and Charming last night), and I'm not going to lie, my focus for the last little while has been more selfishly focused.
And I don't want to be that person. I want to be a piano tuned to that one Fork. I want my life to be a life of worship, and worship that is focused on God.
Monday, 31 December 2012
Annal 190: Tale from a Year in Review
It's New Year's Eve.
And I haven't written in about three weeks.
I would apologize for this, except for that it has been a very full, very fun three weeks and I have been thoroughly enjoying myself :)
I spent a week with Charming in Ontario (and find myself more than ready for another visit... this long distance thing is not much fun), and while there was able to visit with some of my extended family. The funeral for my cousin's son occurred while I was down there, but I was unable to physically make it there.
I met Charming's cat and managed to lure him into wanting to spend more time with me (there is something strangely satisfying about walking through the front door and watching as said cat walks right past Charming and instead comes to my arms).
After a week that went all too quickly, I returned home and have spent the last two weeks being fully immersed in my family. We have played numerous games and had countless talks. After more than a week of -40 weather and being couped up inside, the temperature has finally warmed and we are able to leave our house.
So that, in brief, is my last few weeks. But that is not my focus for this post.
As I drove my mom to work today, we were talking about how things have changed in the last year. And so I want to take some time to review all that has happened, to thank God for bringing me through it all, and to think about the coming new year.
So I started today by looking at the first post I had written in 2012. It was detailing the beginnings of my reading Keller's The Meaning of Marriage (which I was actually given for Christmas this year), and talking about my thoughts on relationships.
I had to laugh when I read the following post, Annal 110: Tale from Grace. The whole post is not a laughing matter--it talks about the beginnings steps in my journey toward forgiveness for all that happened with my past church situation. The reason I started to laugh is because of how that post started off. It began with me stating that I had received the most wonderful piece of news ever, the news being that someone thought I was hot.
The reason I laugh is because that someone was Charming.
Apparently even then he was finding ways to wriggle his way into my emotions, no matter how unknowing I may have been :)
And right there I have what were probably the two greatest changes in my life over this last year.
As my dad, sister, and I went for a run yesterday (it was only -15), we ran past our old church. What struck all three of us was first of all how we didn't miss it. What really hit me was that I didn't feel this way in a bitter, grudge-holding sort of way. Every so often I will feel a flare up of annoyance--somebody will say something that will stir up an old memory or emotion--but otherwise I can honestly say that God has helped me get past the hurt and the rejection that I felt from that entire situation. I learned some incredibly important lessons about grace. I learned to trust. I learned that sometimes trusting God with a situation means you don't get the outcome you want, but that doesn't mean it is bad. Maybe God could have given me the justice that I felt that I deserved, but what would that really give me other than some momentary satisfaction. Instead, I have learned a little bit more what it truly means to forgive and be forgiven. I also have a better idea now of what I want and desire in a church, of what I think is important.
Change number two involved the entrance of a Charming. If you had've told me last January that all that transpired this last year would have transpired, I probably would have laughed in your face in a most unladylike manner. When I wrote Annal 143: Tale from the Red Coat, I mentioned being flirted with. Charming was one of those guys. People kept asking me about this guy who was spamming my Facebook statuses and posts with comments, this guy who could banter with me like no other guy had been able to do. And I just kept brushing it off. "Oh, he's some guy I met at my cousin's wedding. He's just a flirt." At the beginning of May I wrote Annal 159: Tale from the Late Night Force Field. God began a work on my heart, bringing me to a place where I was able to see all the ways He had protected my heart and could realize that He would continue to do so. For the first time in my life, I could honestly say I was content with being single. I was in a place where I was willing to wait. Within a few weeks of reaching this point, Facebook spamming with Charming turned into Facebook messaging, which developed into texting, followed by Skyping, and before I knew it this guy was getting a plane ticket and coming out to see me for ten days.
I know that since the summer my writing has been sporadic at best. This has been a year full of change. It has also been a year of living in transition (I spent the first few months at school in Prince George, the summer months with my parents working, and the last few months in Burnaby going to school). This has been a year of me realizing just how much I long for a little more stability.
While in Ontario, Charming's dad asked me where I classified as home. I had to tell him I don't really have a place I call that. The closest I come to having such a place is the Arctic where I spent my childhood, but while I would love to go back and visit there, I definitely wouldn't want to end up there.
Perhaps that has been the greatest lesson from this year and the one common factor in all the situations I have found myself in. Despite everything God has remained constant. He has smacked me upside the head when I needed it, He has wrapped in His arms and let me cry when I needed it, and He has woken me up to experience a morning in a fairy tale world (Annal 146). He has proven to me over and over again that no matter what happens, He will not leave my side. He even gives me relationship advice (there have been times when I will start to feel insecure and I can actually hear Him saying, "Now Jess, what about when Charming did this? Or when he said that? Do you really think you need to be insecure?"). He has shown Himself faithful.
In closing, I want to touch on my hopes for the new year.
Today I finished reading my book on the Heidelberg Catechism. I have also been reading two other books, one on Worship from a Reformed Theology perspective, and The Jesus Way by Eugene Peterson. What has really struck me in each of these three books, is the focus on glorifying God. All three have been discussing worship and have come to the same conclusion: it's not about the "worship experience" as Peterson calls it, but it is about being God-centred. It is about glorifying Him, about keeping Him at the centre. Kevin DeYoung states that "we should be, first of all, Christocentric, that is, centred on the cross of Christ. Christ is our identity, our passion, and our hope."
In the Lord's Day 49, where the Catechism touches on the portion of the Lord's Prayer that says, "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven," DeYoung in his commentary makes a good point. Here is what he says:
"The will of God is not our duty or drudgery. It is our delight... and yet, it is a tortuous delight. It requires struggle against sin and the fight of faith. It means death, death, and more death. It would seem easier for God to simply annihilate our wills and infuse our souls with His. But that's not His way. He prefers slow, glorious growth. He doesn't want His will in us as much as He wants our will to be His. He wants us to want what He wants, love what He loves, and hate what He hates."
Over the last year, God has not annihlated my will, but has instead taken me through a process of slow growth. Justice was what I wanted, but instead I was shown the path of forgiveness. While it wasn't what I wanted, I can only pray that because of that journey God was glorified in my life. I didn't expect Charming, but I hope that my willingness to trust God let to Him being glorified. My life is one of transition, where I feel like I have no home, as if I were a nomad. Yet as I come to lean on the One who has proved Himself faithful, I hope I can glorify Him.
And that is my wish for the new year: I want to draw attention to my Creator and Saviour. I want to live a life that is dedicated to and centred around Him. I want to glorify Him.
And I haven't written in about three weeks.
I would apologize for this, except for that it has been a very full, very fun three weeks and I have been thoroughly enjoying myself :)
I spent a week with Charming in Ontario (and find myself more than ready for another visit... this long distance thing is not much fun), and while there was able to visit with some of my extended family. The funeral for my cousin's son occurred while I was down there, but I was unable to physically make it there.
I met Charming's cat and managed to lure him into wanting to spend more time with me (there is something strangely satisfying about walking through the front door and watching as said cat walks right past Charming and instead comes to my arms).
After a week that went all too quickly, I returned home and have spent the last two weeks being fully immersed in my family. We have played numerous games and had countless talks. After more than a week of -40 weather and being couped up inside, the temperature has finally warmed and we are able to leave our house.
So that, in brief, is my last few weeks. But that is not my focus for this post.
As I drove my mom to work today, we were talking about how things have changed in the last year. And so I want to take some time to review all that has happened, to thank God for bringing me through it all, and to think about the coming new year.
So I started today by looking at the first post I had written in 2012. It was detailing the beginnings of my reading Keller's The Meaning of Marriage (which I was actually given for Christmas this year), and talking about my thoughts on relationships.
I had to laugh when I read the following post, Annal 110: Tale from Grace. The whole post is not a laughing matter--it talks about the beginnings steps in my journey toward forgiveness for all that happened with my past church situation. The reason I started to laugh is because of how that post started off. It began with me stating that I had received the most wonderful piece of news ever, the news being that someone thought I was hot.
The reason I laugh is because that someone was Charming.
Apparently even then he was finding ways to wriggle his way into my emotions, no matter how unknowing I may have been :)
And right there I have what were probably the two greatest changes in my life over this last year.
As my dad, sister, and I went for a run yesterday (it was only -15), we ran past our old church. What struck all three of us was first of all how we didn't miss it. What really hit me was that I didn't feel this way in a bitter, grudge-holding sort of way. Every so often I will feel a flare up of annoyance--somebody will say something that will stir up an old memory or emotion--but otherwise I can honestly say that God has helped me get past the hurt and the rejection that I felt from that entire situation. I learned some incredibly important lessons about grace. I learned to trust. I learned that sometimes trusting God with a situation means you don't get the outcome you want, but that doesn't mean it is bad. Maybe God could have given me the justice that I felt that I deserved, but what would that really give me other than some momentary satisfaction. Instead, I have learned a little bit more what it truly means to forgive and be forgiven. I also have a better idea now of what I want and desire in a church, of what I think is important.
Change number two involved the entrance of a Charming. If you had've told me last January that all that transpired this last year would have transpired, I probably would have laughed in your face in a most unladylike manner. When I wrote Annal 143: Tale from the Red Coat, I mentioned being flirted with. Charming was one of those guys. People kept asking me about this guy who was spamming my Facebook statuses and posts with comments, this guy who could banter with me like no other guy had been able to do. And I just kept brushing it off. "Oh, he's some guy I met at my cousin's wedding. He's just a flirt." At the beginning of May I wrote Annal 159: Tale from the Late Night Force Field. God began a work on my heart, bringing me to a place where I was able to see all the ways He had protected my heart and could realize that He would continue to do so. For the first time in my life, I could honestly say I was content with being single. I was in a place where I was willing to wait. Within a few weeks of reaching this point, Facebook spamming with Charming turned into Facebook messaging, which developed into texting, followed by Skyping, and before I knew it this guy was getting a plane ticket and coming out to see me for ten days.
I know that since the summer my writing has been sporadic at best. This has been a year full of change. It has also been a year of living in transition (I spent the first few months at school in Prince George, the summer months with my parents working, and the last few months in Burnaby going to school). This has been a year of me realizing just how much I long for a little more stability.
While in Ontario, Charming's dad asked me where I classified as home. I had to tell him I don't really have a place I call that. The closest I come to having such a place is the Arctic where I spent my childhood, but while I would love to go back and visit there, I definitely wouldn't want to end up there.
Perhaps that has been the greatest lesson from this year and the one common factor in all the situations I have found myself in. Despite everything God has remained constant. He has smacked me upside the head when I needed it, He has wrapped in His arms and let me cry when I needed it, and He has woken me up to experience a morning in a fairy tale world (Annal 146). He has proven to me over and over again that no matter what happens, He will not leave my side. He even gives me relationship advice (there have been times when I will start to feel insecure and I can actually hear Him saying, "Now Jess, what about when Charming did this? Or when he said that? Do you really think you need to be insecure?"). He has shown Himself faithful.
In closing, I want to touch on my hopes for the new year.
Today I finished reading my book on the Heidelberg Catechism. I have also been reading two other books, one on Worship from a Reformed Theology perspective, and The Jesus Way by Eugene Peterson. What has really struck me in each of these three books, is the focus on glorifying God. All three have been discussing worship and have come to the same conclusion: it's not about the "worship experience" as Peterson calls it, but it is about being God-centred. It is about glorifying Him, about keeping Him at the centre. Kevin DeYoung states that "we should be, first of all, Christocentric, that is, centred on the cross of Christ. Christ is our identity, our passion, and our hope."
In the Lord's Day 49, where the Catechism touches on the portion of the Lord's Prayer that says, "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven," DeYoung in his commentary makes a good point. Here is what he says:
"The will of God is not our duty or drudgery. It is our delight... and yet, it is a tortuous delight. It requires struggle against sin and the fight of faith. It means death, death, and more death. It would seem easier for God to simply annihilate our wills and infuse our souls with His. But that's not His way. He prefers slow, glorious growth. He doesn't want His will in us as much as He wants our will to be His. He wants us to want what He wants, love what He loves, and hate what He hates."
Over the last year, God has not annihlated my will, but has instead taken me through a process of slow growth. Justice was what I wanted, but instead I was shown the path of forgiveness. While it wasn't what I wanted, I can only pray that because of that journey God was glorified in my life. I didn't expect Charming, but I hope that my willingness to trust God let to Him being glorified. My life is one of transition, where I feel like I have no home, as if I were a nomad. Yet as I come to lean on the One who has proved Himself faithful, I hope I can glorify Him.
And that is my wish for the new year: I want to draw attention to my Creator and Saviour. I want to live a life that is dedicated to and centred around Him. I want to glorify Him.
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Annal 189: Tale from the Snowfall
I'm not even sure how to begin today's post. All week I have been thinking of the excitement I could portray to all of you about my upcoming break from school, my visit with Charming, my getting to see my family. And of course Christmas.
But then Friday hit.
And it one swift move a part of me broke.
Tragedy has struck my family, and the result is that one of my cousin's sons is no longer with us.
And I don't know how to deal with this.
I have not been back to Ontario where most of my extended family is in almost fifteen years. So I have never actually met this young man. And maybe that is partly why my heart is breaking. Because now I never will.
This morning I opened my curtains and discovered it was snowing. There are some forboding skies and a very light dusting of snow that is kissing the tops of buildings and the ground. It is beautiful. And as I see the white covering all of the grey I am reminded that there is hope. The grey of living up here will never disappear; it's part of the structure and design of my school. But for now the snow brightens it... just a little. I know it will melt soon and I will be stuck with my gloomy surroundings. But eventually summer will come. The grey won't disappear, but flowers will bloom and leaves will clothe the trees.
Honestly? I have nothing else I can say right now. All I can do is ask that you would keep my whole family in your prayers.
But then Friday hit.
And it one swift move a part of me broke.
Tragedy has struck my family, and the result is that one of my cousin's sons is no longer with us.
And I don't know how to deal with this.
I have not been back to Ontario where most of my extended family is in almost fifteen years. So I have never actually met this young man. And maybe that is partly why my heart is breaking. Because now I never will.
This morning I opened my curtains and discovered it was snowing. There are some forboding skies and a very light dusting of snow that is kissing the tops of buildings and the ground. It is beautiful. And as I see the white covering all of the grey I am reminded that there is hope. The grey of living up here will never disappear; it's part of the structure and design of my school. But for now the snow brightens it... just a little. I know it will melt soon and I will be stuck with my gloomy surroundings. But eventually summer will come. The grey won't disappear, but flowers will bloom and leaves will clothe the trees.
Honestly? I have nothing else I can say right now. All I can do is ask that you would keep my whole family in your prayers.
Sunday, 25 November 2012
Annal 188: Tale from the Warcraft-Inspired Worship
I don't know when, I don't know how, I only know it happened. At some point world views were altered and the stars aligned ever so slightly.
I have become "cool."
Yeah, I know you are all just as awed by this knowledge as I was.
It began on Monday afternoon. I was being observed by my SA and this was the first lesson in a mini-unit I had completely designed (it was on descriptive/narrative writing). When discussing the importance of incorporating all of your senses in writing, I described a scene from my own life. Specifically, I described myself playing World of Warcraft.
Before I go any further I should probably insert that I was rather wary of doing this. I didn't know these kids all that well and I had no idea what admitting such a fact would do to their view of me. But I decided to be open and vulnerable and admitted that I played video games.
My reputation increased by about 1000 with my English 11 students.
This also led to a week where my students discovered other facts about me. They learned that I love the Final Fantasy games but have also been known to break out The Sims 3 when I need some brainless activity to occupy my time. They discovered that I love The Lord of the Rings and cried when Snape died in The Harry Potter books. Upon the realization that I grew up in the arctic and a theme that has driven my life is "Stick together and don't jump in any big snow drifts," I pretty much moved into revered status in the classroom.
Maybe this just sounds like a whole lot of silliness to some of you. But for me this is pretty huge. I am a believer that learning takes place in a classroom where there is community, where there is a relationship between the teacher and the students that encourages trust and openness. No, I don't believe in waving my dirty laundry in front of my students. But I do believe that when they trust me and know me, they are more willing to try activities and lessons that I give them. By the end of this week I didn't see a single cell phone out when giving a lesson.
This four week practicum has had some rough moments for me. There were times when I wondered if teaching was what I was really called to do. In the last week, however, I remembered just how much I love being in the classroom. How much I love interacting with students. I had a double observation on Thursday with both my SA and my FA and I cannot begin to describe how stressed I was about it. By the end of the lesson I was convinced I had failed and that both of them would tell me to give up teaching. That didn't happen. My FA had nothing even remotely negative to say, and my SA had only one tiny piece of advice. Otherwise they both thought the lesson went splendidly.
Believe it or not there is a reason I am telling you all this.
I spent the weekend with my brother and his family again (how can I say no to cuddles with the niece and nephew, decorating a Christmas tree, and a movie night out with my sister-in-law?), which means I went to church with them today. To be honest, I found the sermon a little shallow (the pastor was talking about how we are called to love each other). And then he came to his very last point.
He said that we love each other because it glorifies God.
The moment he said this, it was as if something clicked in my soul.
I thought of this past week, of the relationships I was developing with my class. I thought of how it almost breaks my heart when I realize that I won't get to teach most of them next semester because they will be moving on to different classes.
I have only known them for three weeks, but the truth is I care about these kids. I know each of them by name and I can't describe the pleasure I get from talking with them in the hallway, or watching them open up in a conversation with me.
I guess you could say I love these guys.
And today I realized that when I am in relationship with my students, when I care about them, I am glorifying God.
Sometimes it seems like so little. Sometimes I think, "What's the point in building these relationships? I'm only going to be around these guys for a few weeks."
Then I remember that I am created to worship.
When I am interacting with my students, I can't begin to describe how at peace I feel. It's as if I'm fulfilling one of my purposes in life.
Today I realized that I am.
And so here's to World of Warcraft, and how it leads me to glorify my God.
I have become "cool."
Yeah, I know you are all just as awed by this knowledge as I was.
It began on Monday afternoon. I was being observed by my SA and this was the first lesson in a mini-unit I had completely designed (it was on descriptive/narrative writing). When discussing the importance of incorporating all of your senses in writing, I described a scene from my own life. Specifically, I described myself playing World of Warcraft.
Before I go any further I should probably insert that I was rather wary of doing this. I didn't know these kids all that well and I had no idea what admitting such a fact would do to their view of me. But I decided to be open and vulnerable and admitted that I played video games.
My reputation increased by about 1000 with my English 11 students.
This also led to a week where my students discovered other facts about me. They learned that I love the Final Fantasy games but have also been known to break out The Sims 3 when I need some brainless activity to occupy my time. They discovered that I love The Lord of the Rings and cried when Snape died in The Harry Potter books. Upon the realization that I grew up in the arctic and a theme that has driven my life is "Stick together and don't jump in any big snow drifts," I pretty much moved into revered status in the classroom.
Maybe this just sounds like a whole lot of silliness to some of you. But for me this is pretty huge. I am a believer that learning takes place in a classroom where there is community, where there is a relationship between the teacher and the students that encourages trust and openness. No, I don't believe in waving my dirty laundry in front of my students. But I do believe that when they trust me and know me, they are more willing to try activities and lessons that I give them. By the end of this week I didn't see a single cell phone out when giving a lesson.
This four week practicum has had some rough moments for me. There were times when I wondered if teaching was what I was really called to do. In the last week, however, I remembered just how much I love being in the classroom. How much I love interacting with students. I had a double observation on Thursday with both my SA and my FA and I cannot begin to describe how stressed I was about it. By the end of the lesson I was convinced I had failed and that both of them would tell me to give up teaching. That didn't happen. My FA had nothing even remotely negative to say, and my SA had only one tiny piece of advice. Otherwise they both thought the lesson went splendidly.
Believe it or not there is a reason I am telling you all this.
I spent the weekend with my brother and his family again (how can I say no to cuddles with the niece and nephew, decorating a Christmas tree, and a movie night out with my sister-in-law?), which means I went to church with them today. To be honest, I found the sermon a little shallow (the pastor was talking about how we are called to love each other). And then he came to his very last point.
He said that we love each other because it glorifies God.
The moment he said this, it was as if something clicked in my soul.
I thought of this past week, of the relationships I was developing with my class. I thought of how it almost breaks my heart when I realize that I won't get to teach most of them next semester because they will be moving on to different classes.
I have only known them for three weeks, but the truth is I care about these kids. I know each of them by name and I can't describe the pleasure I get from talking with them in the hallway, or watching them open up in a conversation with me.
I guess you could say I love these guys.
And today I realized that when I am in relationship with my students, when I care about them, I am glorifying God.
Sometimes it seems like so little. Sometimes I think, "What's the point in building these relationships? I'm only going to be around these guys for a few weeks."
Then I remember that I am created to worship.
When I am interacting with my students, I can't begin to describe how at peace I feel. It's as if I'm fulfilling one of my purposes in life.
Today I realized that I am.
And so here's to World of Warcraft, and how it leads me to glorify my God.
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