Something about the phoenix has always held a sort of allure for me. Maybe it has to do with my strange fascination with various mythologies, or maybe it has to do with the fact that Albus Dumbledore had a phoenix and it was that bird that delivered the Sorting Hat to Harry, thus supplying him with the Sword of Gryffindor and aiding him to conquer the basilisk? Who knows? Regardless of the cause this allure exists (I had even talked with a fellow student last semester about getting phoenix tatoos... she did so, I did not).
The reason I mention this strange attraction has to do with my experience at church this morning. I have been in this odd place when it comes to church and my devotions. I long desperately for solidity, for truth I can really sink my teeth into and hold onto. And I do feel like I am being fed like that, to a certain degree. The issue is that I still feel as if I am lacking something. I read things or hear things and while they make complete sense, they seem to lack that "clicking" feeling--that sense of resonation with my soul.
I was lucky enough to get a four-day weekend and even luckier to have my brother and sister-in-law drive into my city and pick me up to spend the weekend with them. So this morning I went to church with them. After the first few songs I finally had to stop. I had figured out what was missing.
"Lord, touch my heart," became my prayer. "Make me open."
I have said this before--I grew up in more charismatic churches. As a result I grew up seeing a lot of dependence in these churches on emotionalism--something was an act of God only if it was accompanied by shouting, dancing, jumping up and down, or copious amounts of crying. I don't resent this. It has allowed me to crave the solidity I crave now, but has also created an appreciation within me for the more emotional side of following Christ. To follow Jesus is a decision that encompasses your entire life, and thus your heart as well as your mind. I have been in churches that tend to hover over particular sides: some are great at feeding your intellect while others dwell wholly on tapering to the emotions.
Today I saw how I had been leaning to one side in the hopes of feeding my whole. It doesn't work that way.
Almost immediately after I prayed the above prayer, the music team started singing "Our God" by Chris Tomlin. I love the words of the second verse of this song.
Into the darkness You shine,
Out of the ashes we rise,
There's no one like You,
None like You.
In order for a phoenix to be reborn, it must first die. Once it has been burned up, a new life can form from the ashes.
As I have said in my last few blog posts, I sometimes tend to forget who God is. I sometimes forget that He is the almighty Creator. I sometimes forget that He made the ultimate sacrifice for me. I sometimes forget who He is.
On Tuesday morning I went for a run. It was one of the first clear days in a long time, and for the first time I was able to see the stars shining as I ran. The only word to describe what came over me was awe. It seemed as if my Creator had taken time to remind me of His greatness that morning. I could have sworn those stars were shining just for me to see.
I also had my financial situation worked out. My overaward was reversed and I was reassessed for this semester (which means they decided to give me more money). I also just had the part of my student loan that had been deducted in September deposited into my student account. My money situation wasn't just resolved... it seemed as if it worked out to be a miracle.
And yet sometimes I forget who God is.
This is where the chorus to "Our God" starts playing through my head.
Our God is greater,
Our God is stronger,
God, You are higher than any other.
Our God is healer,
Awesome in power,
Our God, Our God.
Sometimes life doesn't turn out smoothly. Sometimes things are left unresolved and we don't get the answers we want. I have never received the resolution I wanted to the whole situation with my old church. But I have learned what it means to forgive and have learned to live with the truth that things don't always work out the way we want them to. But that doesn't mean that God is not all-powerful and in control. He worked that situation out, not in a way that made me "happy," but in a way that taught me more of who He is, that showed me His character, and that stretched me to grow more like Him.
And then there are situations where it seems like the miracles you wish for actually happen. I needed a financial miracle in order to stay in school for next semester and I was able to receive it. It seemed like I kept hitting road block after road block these last few months when it came to money. I was tired of fighting. I wanted to give up.
Then, in one movement, all of my road blocks were demolished.
Yet sometimes I still forget who God is.
I'm sitting here and all I want to do is weep. I am truly an ungrateful wretch.
And then I see that image of the phoenix. I think of the burning that is required before the bird can be reborn. And it is not reborn into its full glory. It still has to grow.
Burning aches and growing is painful, but both are needed to achieve maturation.
I know I am a wretch, but I also know of the amazing grace that has saved me.
The reason I mention this strange attraction has to do with my experience at church this morning. I have been in this odd place when it comes to church and my devotions. I long desperately for solidity, for truth I can really sink my teeth into and hold onto. And I do feel like I am being fed like that, to a certain degree. The issue is that I still feel as if I am lacking something. I read things or hear things and while they make complete sense, they seem to lack that "clicking" feeling--that sense of resonation with my soul.
I was lucky enough to get a four-day weekend and even luckier to have my brother and sister-in-law drive into my city and pick me up to spend the weekend with them. So this morning I went to church with them. After the first few songs I finally had to stop. I had figured out what was missing.
"Lord, touch my heart," became my prayer. "Make me open."
I have said this before--I grew up in more charismatic churches. As a result I grew up seeing a lot of dependence in these churches on emotionalism--something was an act of God only if it was accompanied by shouting, dancing, jumping up and down, or copious amounts of crying. I don't resent this. It has allowed me to crave the solidity I crave now, but has also created an appreciation within me for the more emotional side of following Christ. To follow Jesus is a decision that encompasses your entire life, and thus your heart as well as your mind. I have been in churches that tend to hover over particular sides: some are great at feeding your intellect while others dwell wholly on tapering to the emotions.
Today I saw how I had been leaning to one side in the hopes of feeding my whole. It doesn't work that way.
Almost immediately after I prayed the above prayer, the music team started singing "Our God" by Chris Tomlin. I love the words of the second verse of this song.
Into the darkness You shine,
Out of the ashes we rise,
There's no one like You,
None like You.
In order for a phoenix to be reborn, it must first die. Once it has been burned up, a new life can form from the ashes.
As I have said in my last few blog posts, I sometimes tend to forget who God is. I sometimes forget that He is the almighty Creator. I sometimes forget that He made the ultimate sacrifice for me. I sometimes forget who He is.
On Tuesday morning I went for a run. It was one of the first clear days in a long time, and for the first time I was able to see the stars shining as I ran. The only word to describe what came over me was awe. It seemed as if my Creator had taken time to remind me of His greatness that morning. I could have sworn those stars were shining just for me to see.
I also had my financial situation worked out. My overaward was reversed and I was reassessed for this semester (which means they decided to give me more money). I also just had the part of my student loan that had been deducted in September deposited into my student account. My money situation wasn't just resolved... it seemed as if it worked out to be a miracle.
And yet sometimes I forget who God is.
This is where the chorus to "Our God" starts playing through my head.
Our God is greater,
Our God is stronger,
God, You are higher than any other.
Our God is healer,
Awesome in power,
Our God, Our God.
Sometimes life doesn't turn out smoothly. Sometimes things are left unresolved and we don't get the answers we want. I have never received the resolution I wanted to the whole situation with my old church. But I have learned what it means to forgive and have learned to live with the truth that things don't always work out the way we want them to. But that doesn't mean that God is not all-powerful and in control. He worked that situation out, not in a way that made me "happy," but in a way that taught me more of who He is, that showed me His character, and that stretched me to grow more like Him.
And then there are situations where it seems like the miracles you wish for actually happen. I needed a financial miracle in order to stay in school for next semester and I was able to receive it. It seemed like I kept hitting road block after road block these last few months when it came to money. I was tired of fighting. I wanted to give up.
Then, in one movement, all of my road blocks were demolished.
Yet sometimes I still forget who God is.
I'm sitting here and all I want to do is weep. I am truly an ungrateful wretch.
And then I see that image of the phoenix. I think of the burning that is required before the bird can be reborn. And it is not reborn into its full glory. It still has to grow.
Burning aches and growing is painful, but both are needed to achieve maturation.
I know I am a wretch, but I also know of the amazing grace that has saved me.
"And then I see that image of the phoenix. I think of the burning that is required before the bird can be reborn. And it is not reborn into its full glory. It still has to grow."
ReplyDeleteNicely put. Neither the burning sensation, nor the need to grow are pleasant, but neither is growing old and sickly because we are unwilling to be burned. Thanks for sharing this.