Annal 166: Tale from the Inside Out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades,

 Neverending, Your glory goes beyond all fame.

And the cry of my heart is to give You praise,

From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out

If I am going to be completely honest, and I do try to be that, then I should probably admit that today was a really hard Sunday for me.  I really didn't feel like going to church today.  In yesterday's post I touched briefly on a bit of the struggle I have had with my friend discovering she has cancer.  I ended up not going to church last week as I was out visiting a friend who lives out of town, so I realized during worship this afternoon that I haven't been to church since I learned about her cancer.  I was also made aware of just how much of a hard time I am having with this whole situation.

The singing started and with it the tumult that was my emotional 'stability.'  The songs were all about how wonderful God is, how much He deserves our affections, about how beautiful and loving He is.  I finally had to leave to 'use the bathroom' which was really just an excuse for me to get out of the room.  When I came back into the sanctuary I found myself unable to sing the words of the songs.

Please don't misunderstand me.  I am not having a crisis of faith.  I am not doubting God's love and His goodness.  All I kept repeating in my head while the music played was, "God, I know You are good.  I know You love this woman.  I know You love this family.  I know You are good.  But I am really not feeling it right now."

The last time I went through something like this was when it was discovered that my mom had colon cancer.  Only then the feelings really did turn into a crisis of faith.  But God got me through that.  And I know He will get me through this.  But today I just was not feeling it.

I can't even say I am angry at God, because I don't think I am.  I guess I just don't understand why this has happened.  In my mind it doesn't make any sense.

The last song we sung was called "From the Inside Out" and the first part of the chorus is written at the start of this post.  When we got to the chorus I found I could actually sing these words. 

Sometimes it feels like everything around us is fading into darkness... is disappearing into the blackness.  Yet God is still there.  He is still the light that shines when all other lights have gone out.  He is the hope that guides and strengthens.

Once church ended I was talking with a friend for a few minutes and just shared with her a bit of what I had been going through during the service.  She mentioned that she has been listening to a lot of Matt Chandler podcasts lately (I would suggest his sermons, by the way... he has got some pretty awesome stuff to say) and that one of the things he seemed to keep on saying is that we need to realize we are living our life under God's mercy, not His wrath.  That everything that happens is somehow a reflection of His mercy.

This is hard, and let's be honest it doesn't always make sense.  When my mom was sick I really didn't see it as a symbol of God's mercy.  When life seemed like it was falling to pieces around me at the same time I didn't see it as God's mercy.  Can I look at how these experiences affected me and helped to develop me into who I am today?  Yes.  Have they helped me to offer even a little bit of hope to others?  I think so.  Is that a reflection of God's mercy?  I guess it is...

I don't have a pat answer to write that will wonderfully sum all of this up.  I wish I did.  All I can say is that in my head I know God is still good.  I know He loves me.  I know He loves this woman and her family.  I know this.  And my heart longs to believe it as well.  From the inside out my soul is crying out, it is longing for hope.  It is desperately clinging to God, to the belief that this is somehow a reflection of His mercy.

Despite all this turmoil I know He has not abandoned me.  I know that He will continue to shine no matter how dark things may seem.  I know that He is good.

Such is the life of a Christian single.