Remember a few weeks ago when I was reading about Joshua? How I shared with you all my view that he was dealing with some pretty intense insecurity issues due to having to follow in the footsteps of Moses? How God took steps to not just tell Joshua that He was with him, but took steps to show him as well? Joshua wasn't perfect but he began to learn to walk in the security that God had called him and placed him where he was. He began to take to heart what God said about being of courage, that He would never abandon him.
I am about halfway through 1 Samuel now and have been reading about Saul becoming king over Israel. And you know what? I have noticed a similar pattern. In chapters 9 and 10 where God first chooses Saul there were just little things that screamed to me "Hmm... I think Saul might be an insecure man" (like hiding in the baggage when you are supposed to be declared king before everyone?). But God put in place signs so that Saul would know he was chosen. And Saul had Samuel for guidance--a prophet of God right there to tell him what God wanted. Sometimes I wish I had that!
But today I read in chapter 15 where Saul disobeyed God's orders about wiping out the Amalekites. And there were a few interesting things I noted. One was that Saul never acknowledges God as his God. He only talks of God when talking to Samuel and so always says "the LORD your God." Which I find an interesting statement given the Hebrew meaning behind each of those names. LORD refers to having a relationship, a covenant relationship, and God refers to God being the Creator. So it is like Saul is saying "The God who wants a relationship with us, your Creator." Despite the steps God has taken to show Saul that he was chosen for this purpose, Saul decided to not follow God, to not acknowledge God and His role is Saul's life.
The other interesting thing I noted was when Samuel said to Saul in verse 17, "Though you are little in your own eyes, are you not the head of the tribes of Israel? The LORD anointed you king over Israel." I guess thinking Saul suffered from some insecurity issues wasn't so far from the mark.
So why am I bothering you all with these bits of information from my reading today? Because of the issue of insecurity.
Joshua was scared, but he clung to God. His final words before dying were his telling Israel to not forget God, to not serve other gods but to always follow the One who had created and saved them. He messed up, but I believe he genuinely tried to walk in the security that God had given him.
Saul was scared and insecure. He saw himself as a "little" man despite the fact that he stood head and shoulders above everyone else. God had tried to show him that He had chosen him but that wasn't enough for Saul. So he dedicated himself to proving his worth to Israel. He did things that he thought would make him seem great in the people's eyes, not great in the eyes of the One who had called and chosen him. The result? God took the kingdom from him and he will eventually die on the fields of battle.
This makes me think of all the times I doubt myself. All the times I feel insecure. All the times I ignore the reminders God has given me of who He is, of His love. And I realize that insecurity goes far deeper than just being how I view myself or what I am doing. An insecure teacher is a teacher who never asks for assistance and tries to do everything on their own. The result of this can be a class who doesn't learn properly some concepts because their teacher never sought help. Imagine what would happen if an insecure doctor never asked for help when they were unsure about something? An insecure pastor who never seeks accountability? An insecure contractor who never gets someone to double check their work?
Saul's insecurities impacted an entire nation. Now I realize that I am no leader of nations, but who would (or does) my insecurity impact? Who am I hurting when I refuse to remember the times God has proven to me His love and faithfulness?
I guess today I realized that no matter how insecure I feel I can't wallow in it. And this is easy (well... easier) for me to say because right now my only insecurity is wrapped up in which school I will go to next year for my Education Degree. Last night I made a decision. Every time I start feeling insecure I replace that thought with a remembrance of what God has done for me. Falling asleep last night I could almost feel a cool, spring breeze stirring in my room, caressing my face as I remembered all the times I have stood outside or gone for walks and in that touch from the wind heard the words "I love you."
I just realized today that if God is as magnificent as I believe He is, if He loves me like I claim He does, and if He will never abandon me like I believe He says He never will, then who am I to doubt Him? What am I doing to Him everytime I ignore His love and faithfulness in favour of my own self-pity? What harm is that wallowing and self-pity going to cause?
I know there will still be bouts with it (I'm a girl... it's pretty much what we do, right?), but I want to learn to rest in the strength of the One who is far greater than my insecurities.
Such is the life of a Christian single.
I am about halfway through 1 Samuel now and have been reading about Saul becoming king over Israel. And you know what? I have noticed a similar pattern. In chapters 9 and 10 where God first chooses Saul there were just little things that screamed to me "Hmm... I think Saul might be an insecure man" (like hiding in the baggage when you are supposed to be declared king before everyone?). But God put in place signs so that Saul would know he was chosen. And Saul had Samuel for guidance--a prophet of God right there to tell him what God wanted. Sometimes I wish I had that!
But today I read in chapter 15 where Saul disobeyed God's orders about wiping out the Amalekites. And there were a few interesting things I noted. One was that Saul never acknowledges God as his God. He only talks of God when talking to Samuel and so always says "the LORD your God." Which I find an interesting statement given the Hebrew meaning behind each of those names. LORD refers to having a relationship, a covenant relationship, and God refers to God being the Creator. So it is like Saul is saying "The God who wants a relationship with us, your Creator." Despite the steps God has taken to show Saul that he was chosen for this purpose, Saul decided to not follow God, to not acknowledge God and His role is Saul's life.
The other interesting thing I noted was when Samuel said to Saul in verse 17, "Though you are little in your own eyes, are you not the head of the tribes of Israel? The LORD anointed you king over Israel." I guess thinking Saul suffered from some insecurity issues wasn't so far from the mark.
So why am I bothering you all with these bits of information from my reading today? Because of the issue of insecurity.
Joshua was scared, but he clung to God. His final words before dying were his telling Israel to not forget God, to not serve other gods but to always follow the One who had created and saved them. He messed up, but I believe he genuinely tried to walk in the security that God had given him.
Saul was scared and insecure. He saw himself as a "little" man despite the fact that he stood head and shoulders above everyone else. God had tried to show him that He had chosen him but that wasn't enough for Saul. So he dedicated himself to proving his worth to Israel. He did things that he thought would make him seem great in the people's eyes, not great in the eyes of the One who had called and chosen him. The result? God took the kingdom from him and he will eventually die on the fields of battle.
This makes me think of all the times I doubt myself. All the times I feel insecure. All the times I ignore the reminders God has given me of who He is, of His love. And I realize that insecurity goes far deeper than just being how I view myself or what I am doing. An insecure teacher is a teacher who never asks for assistance and tries to do everything on their own. The result of this can be a class who doesn't learn properly some concepts because their teacher never sought help. Imagine what would happen if an insecure doctor never asked for help when they were unsure about something? An insecure pastor who never seeks accountability? An insecure contractor who never gets someone to double check their work?
Saul's insecurities impacted an entire nation. Now I realize that I am no leader of nations, but who would (or does) my insecurity impact? Who am I hurting when I refuse to remember the times God has proven to me His love and faithfulness?
I guess today I realized that no matter how insecure I feel I can't wallow in it. And this is easy (well... easier) for me to say because right now my only insecurity is wrapped up in which school I will go to next year for my Education Degree. Last night I made a decision. Every time I start feeling insecure I replace that thought with a remembrance of what God has done for me. Falling asleep last night I could almost feel a cool, spring breeze stirring in my room, caressing my face as I remembered all the times I have stood outside or gone for walks and in that touch from the wind heard the words "I love you."
I just realized today that if God is as magnificent as I believe He is, if He loves me like I claim He does, and if He will never abandon me like I believe He says He never will, then who am I to doubt Him? What am I doing to Him everytime I ignore His love and faithfulness in favour of my own self-pity? What harm is that wallowing and self-pity going to cause?
I know there will still be bouts with it (I'm a girl... it's pretty much what we do, right?), but I want to learn to rest in the strength of the One who is far greater than my insecurities.
Such is the life of a Christian single.
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