Wednesday 28 March 2012

Annal 141: Tale from the Warrior Princess

Growing up I had a desire to be a princess.  But not a Disney princess (though I did go through a phase where I would brush my hair with a plastic fork from my play kitchen and call it a dinglehopper).  I wanted to be a warrior princess.  Not Xena, mind you, but a princess of mythic proportion who would ride at night, cloaked from searching eyes, helping those in need of aid.  I would wield a sword, a bow, and heaven help the person who entered into hand-to-hand combat with me.  And I would have a scathing tongue.  I managed to emerge into adulthood with at least one of those things though I will leave it to your imagination to figure out which (not that it would require much imagination). 

In my mind I saw myself as weak, so I would imagine the bravest and most beautiful woman I could and in my mind's eye that was who I became.

I imagined myself with sun-bleached, blond hair, tanned skin, and piercing eyes.  I came away with blond hair that only grows bleached by the sun if I experience a summer where the sun actually appears, and skin that breaks out in hives from sun, not turn a shade of golden brown.  Reality just never seems as glorious, does it? ;)

Regardless of the outcome, this was the character I always came back to, whether playing games with my friends or writing my own stories.  In part I blame Christian romances (which I have ranted about on here more than once).

For whatever reason I was driving home from my Wednesday morning Bible study and was remembering this phase of growing up.  Maybe it was the epic battle occurring between the clouds and the sun, each fighting for supremacy of the skies (the clouds appear to be winning at this point).  Maybe it was the pockets of sunlight striking the haze resting over the city that stirred such memories.  Or maybe it was reading about David and Bathsheba (random, I know).

2 Samuel 11 opens up with war season and David choosing to stay at home.  I know I mention the issue of insecurity a lot, but I began to see a similar pattern here as I have seen among so many other leaders of Israel.  I was wondering about David's motivation in going after Bathsheba.  Was it just because she was hot?  Was it just lust?  Or was there something deeper going on?

Here is this guy who has braved so much in his life, and God has made him king.  He is sitting at home, not going to war like a king is supposed to at this time, and his army doesn't appear to need him.  They are doing just fine without him.  I wonder if David was having a crisis of identity.  If he was feeling overlooked and un-needed.  I realize this is speculation, but to me it makes sense.  Insecurity makes us do crazy things.  Like having an affair and then having the spouse killed.  Like tearing down those closest to us.  Like isolating people because we feel isolated.  Like scheming and lying to cover up our mistakes.  Like isolating ourselves because we don't see the value God gives us.  Like wishing we have what someone else has, or were someone else completely.

I may not be "Chroncler: Warrior Princess," but I have an identity that God has given me.  I may not ride through the countryside at night, slaying enemies and rescuing orphans, shooting arrows with an accuracy to rival Robin Hood, or with golden hair that billows perfectly in the wind as I ride my horse (like Eowyn in the cartoon rendition of The Return of the King).  But I believe I do have a purpose. 

We are always taught what a great guy David was.  Sure he screwed-up but in the end he was forgiven and continued to serve and glorify God.  What I am realizing is that many of these leaders struggled with insecurity, and it was this insecurity that often led to the big mess-ups for which they are known.

I feel as if there is so much more I could say on this, but I will close with this last thought: if who I am, my identity, is defined in God, then shouldn't I spend more time focusing on who He is and less time looking at who I am not?  Who better to emulate than Him?  Maybe I am not a warrior princess, but I do have the ability to be His hands and His feet.

Such is the life of a Christian single.

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