Sunday 1 April 2012

Annal 143: Tale from the Red Coat

I did something rather daring today.  For me anyway.
After church today I went to the mall with a friend.  We both happen to have a love and appreciation for Old Hollywood.  She purchased a red spring coat for herself a few weeks ago and I have been green with envy ever since.  I tried it on last night and fell madly in love with the jacket.  So today we went in search of my own coat.

And we found it!  The perfect jacket for me!

But the outfit was not complete.  We decided that neither of us could leave the mall looking like ourselves.  So several stores later we emerged from the building and were driving through the city wearing red jackets, our hair covered with scarves, and some Old Hollywood style sunglasses in place.  My friend, a gorgeous brunette, we dubbed Audrey Hepburn.  I got to pretend to be Marilyn Monroe.



Did I mention that we may have added some red lipstick into the mix? :)


The truth is, this is not something I would normally do.  I am typically the kind of girl who dresses in darker colours and tends to blend into the crowd.  My winter coat is a bright blue, which was rather bold of me when I bought it last year, but still belonged in the blue and black colour range.  Going for red was a pretty big deal.

But this friend tends to do this to me.  She is one of those people who brings out my crazy side.  She is also the reason I have been going around all day humming "Maneater."

I have also had a real confidence boost over the last few weeks.  It's silly, I know, but for the first time in a very long time I have actually felt desirable.  I have felt attractive.  Mix that with a friend who is willing to do crazy things and you have me blowing bright red kisses at a camera wearing sunglasses I never would have thought to buy.

The problem with this sudden boost in confidence is that a lot of it is based on the fact that I have actually had people flirting with me.  Many of you have been reading my blog for a long time, and some of you know me personally.  I am not the girl guys usually flirt with.  I am the girl guys go to for relationship advice.  I'm the girl guys tell when they have fallen for someone else.  I'm the girl who gets to be in the wedding party for the wedding of a guy she has previously cared for.

Those aren't confidence boosting experiences.

The problem?

I don't know how to deal with this kind of stuff.  For now I am doing just fine--I have fortified my heart so that words don't wreak havoc on my emotions.  But words are definitely my love language.  Which means I don't really know how long my fortifications will hold.

I don't want to wake up one morning and find my self-esteem in shambles... yet again.  In some ways I feel like this is a sort of testing ground.  God has been speaking to me about identity for a while now.  He has been a rock for me to cling to when I all I wanted to do was collapse in the desert and die of exposure.  He brought me through a really rough place. 

Right now I feel great.  Confused, sure, but good about myself.  I guess what scares me is not knowing what that is based in.  Do I feel good about myself because I am resting, abiding, in Christ?  In His love?  Or because some guys have decided to pay me a little extra attention?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's wrong to enjoy a confidence boost from some flirting.  But am I allowing my identity right now to be determined by it?  Because if I am, what will happen when the attentions stop?  What will happen when the protections I have in place crumble and I really take to heart the things that are said, resulting in another scar when my heart realizes it has all only been in "good fun?"

I truly believe that God has a purpose for me.  As I said before I may not be a warrior princess, but there is a desire within me to fiercely fight for and protect those He loves and calls me to protect.  I want to walk in Him, to have my identity, my being defined in Him.  Then, and only then, will I truly know the glorious beauty He has created me to be.

Such is the life of a Christian single.

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