Annal 98: Tale from an Old Wound

I woke up this morning and started getting ready for church and felt like I was going to drown in a sea of emotions.  Anger, hurt, bitterness, distress.  I felt like no matter how hard I swam I couldn't overcome the waves.  My sky became darker, the waves higher and more violent, and my feeling of loss deeper.

I know there are people everywhere who deal with grief.  And not just the grief of losing of loved one but over the loss of something else.  That is my grief.

I have mentioned in a few posts my struggle to forgive for what happened to my mother in the spring.  The thing is, that whole situation goes so much deeper.  Things were going on long before my mother lost her job... her firing was simply the culmination of it all.  And we are still dealing with the fall-out from all of this.

I feel like today I am grieving so much.  I am grieving relationships that were lost, opinions that were lost, justice that was thrown aside, the ability to think that was casually disposed of.

I am hurting today.

Part of that hurt stems from the fact that I need to forgive.  I know this.  Not for the sake of those who did this but for my own.  But I don't want to.

Everything within me cries out for justice.  For the truth to be revealed.

Instead justice and truth seem to be things forgotton.

As I write this I am also lecturing myself.  Who am I to withold forgiveness when it has been so freely given to me?  Who am I to demand justice when God could demand it of me?

I know all of this.

But I still hurt.

My wound was reopened today and at this moment it feels like won't heal.  I know it will, and I know I want it to heal properly... but am I willing to take those steps toward it?

God, help me because I can't do this on my own... I have no strength and no ability of my own to carry through with this... I need You...