Chronicler is like an onion.... she has layers...
I do believe it is time for a brain break. I have spent the last three hours making up study notes for my class on the persecution of minorities in Middle Ages--not the most uplifting of subjects to take notes in. But tomorrow is the last day of classes, and then I just have six finals in the course of one week... and then freedom... until the next semester starts...
Today was somewhat of a blah day. I got my first essay back and while I didn't do terrible on it, I definitely didn't do as well as I had hoped. So I headed for the gym feeling like a complete failure of a student.
It's hard being in school right now. Last year I got a taste of teaching and I loved it! Everything right now reminds me of my students and makes me want to be teaching them now. I even started singing some of the songs today that I had made up for them last year (because all cool people rewrite the words to songs for their students).
What makes this so hard is that everything I am learning right now doesn't pertain to what I will be teaching at all. So while it is interesting, it is really hard having to take classes that don't apply at all. And to be frank, I just want to be done! I miss teaching...
Well, I got off the bus at the end of my school day and was walking home when a little lightbulb went off in my head. See, for a few years my identity was wrapped up in my church involvement: playing piano, leading a young adults group, being a youth leader... all of that sort of stuff. When I went back to school and stepped back from those things, I returned to discover that I no longer had a real identity at my church. I was just floating. That part of my identity was stripped away from me.
You have all been with me over the last few months as God has been peeling away my identity as a "single."
Well, today I realized there was yet another layer to be pulled away. I did quite well academically in high school and that was what I was known for. I'm in the humanities and I hate writing essays--not really a good mix. And I'm one of those people who can sometimes pull off a good mark, but typically no matter how hard I try, they are always mediocre.
For some this probably seems silly, but for all of my scholastic life this has been something that I have clung to. I keep papers I do well on so I can stare at them and tell myself that that is still part of who I am.
The part of my identity that was based on how well I do in school is being pulled away.
And it's hard.
Suddenly, everything I have used to define myself is being taken from me and I'm not sure what is left.
This whole "letting God define me" thing isn't as easy as it seemed to be. But I know this is necessary and it something I definitely want.
I'm curious to see what will be left of me as this onion is peeled (awesome... I love referring to myself like I'm a strong smelling vegetable... and using the same reference as an ogre...).
Such is the life of a Christian single.
I do believe it is time for a brain break. I have spent the last three hours making up study notes for my class on the persecution of minorities in Middle Ages--not the most uplifting of subjects to take notes in. But tomorrow is the last day of classes, and then I just have six finals in the course of one week... and then freedom... until the next semester starts...
Today was somewhat of a blah day. I got my first essay back and while I didn't do terrible on it, I definitely didn't do as well as I had hoped. So I headed for the gym feeling like a complete failure of a student.
It's hard being in school right now. Last year I got a taste of teaching and I loved it! Everything right now reminds me of my students and makes me want to be teaching them now. I even started singing some of the songs today that I had made up for them last year (because all cool people rewrite the words to songs for their students).
What makes this so hard is that everything I am learning right now doesn't pertain to what I will be teaching at all. So while it is interesting, it is really hard having to take classes that don't apply at all. And to be frank, I just want to be done! I miss teaching...
Well, I got off the bus at the end of my school day and was walking home when a little lightbulb went off in my head. See, for a few years my identity was wrapped up in my church involvement: playing piano, leading a young adults group, being a youth leader... all of that sort of stuff. When I went back to school and stepped back from those things, I returned to discover that I no longer had a real identity at my church. I was just floating. That part of my identity was stripped away from me.
You have all been with me over the last few months as God has been peeling away my identity as a "single."
Well, today I realized there was yet another layer to be pulled away. I did quite well academically in high school and that was what I was known for. I'm in the humanities and I hate writing essays--not really a good mix. And I'm one of those people who can sometimes pull off a good mark, but typically no matter how hard I try, they are always mediocre.
For some this probably seems silly, but for all of my scholastic life this has been something that I have clung to. I keep papers I do well on so I can stare at them and tell myself that that is still part of who I am.
The part of my identity that was based on how well I do in school is being pulled away.
And it's hard.
Suddenly, everything I have used to define myself is being taken from me and I'm not sure what is left.
This whole "letting God define me" thing isn't as easy as it seemed to be. But I know this is necessary and it something I definitely want.
I'm curious to see what will be left of me as this onion is peeled (awesome... I love referring to myself like I'm a strong smelling vegetable... and using the same reference as an ogre...).
Such is the life of a Christian single.
Very good post but I have to say it. Your first post in December had nothing to do with Christmas
ReplyDeleteOh Jess even if you feel like an onion I have never known you to smell like one and we have played sports together. I love you friend and miss you very much!!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, Heidi, I'm sure there will be many to come the pertain ONLY to Christmas :D
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks, Ash, it is good to know I don't smell like onions. That is definitely a huge relief off of my shoulders :P