Annal 99: Tale from a Wise Friend

I have assumed the position.  Christmas lights are plugged in, blankets are piled on top of me, and my cup of tea is at my side.  I now feel ready to write.

Last night was my small group Christmas party and I made sure that everyone around received a stunning deplay of what can only be termed my "stellar grace and poise."  Sitting in a comfy chair, I watched as my pastor spilled his drink all over Flat Stanley.

Horrific, I know.

So I jumped up to rescue my beloved friend, but instead managed to tangle my feet and collapse in a heap on the floor.

Awesome.

After the laughing cleared people checked to make sure I was okay.  Seriously though, pretty sure God is getting rid of some pride on my part ;)

But then came today.

I woke up this morning and felt sick.  My head was pounding, I was nauseated, I had an ear ache--it just wasn't pretty.  Best of all?  I had to make my way up to the university to write my first final (which only took me forty minutes so that has to count for something).  My sleep was crappy last night.  I was drained, but I tossed and turned the whole time.

So when I came home from my final I curled up in my bed under all of my blankets and I tried to nap.  Which only partially worked.  More than anything I spent two and a half hours in a calm state of half-sleep.  And it was definitely what I needed.

I think today I am better able to handle everything that has been going on.

I know I am grieving.  And for as long as I was in school and the prospect of returning to my hometown was far off, I could live in denial.  But with the end of classes and the knowledge that I will be returning in less than two weeks, denial soon gave way to anger.

Last night I talked with a woman I trust about everything that has been going on and she gave some wonderful advice.  She told me to write down all of the emotions I feel about this issue.  And then instead of trying to tackle all of them at once--and drowning because of it--pick one.  Then she told me to pray and work my way through that one emotion for a week.  So that's what I did.

This week is anger.

I know my anger is what is keeping me from being able to work through a lot of this.  I can't get to the fear and the hurt and the rejection that is also associated with this situation until I can hand over my frustration to God.  And it's hard to give up.  Because I know what will come after I let go of this and that scares me.

It's hard, and it's a struggle.  But all I can do right now is spend time before the Throne, begging for strength from the only One who can supply it and praying for the ability to let it go.

For those of you who have been praying--thank you.  And please don't stop. 

Such is the life of a Christian single.