Annal 86: Tale from the Mending

I have been trying to think of how to start this post, and I just don't know how.  There is no creative way to begin, no joke to crack, no humorous story to share.  So I guess all I can do is jump right in.
I have never been surrounded by swarms of men.  Heck, I have never really even been surrounded by a man.  In junior high I had the odd guy who would develop a crush on me, but typically if I was interested in a guy, he was interested in one of my friends.  I just was never one to catch male attention.

My last relationship was almost three years ago.  It was someone I met on eHarmony and we seemed to click right off the bat.  It was long distance, but we were willing to try.  So we began dating and I honestly thought that was it.  I was convinced he was the one.  He seemed to be too.

Then he came up to surprise me one weekend.  After spending that time together, something changed.  By our next visit I knew something was wrong.  Sure enough, he broke up with me.

This weekend I spent some time talking with one of my girlfriends.  We started discussing ways past encounters with guys have shaped our views of future encounters with guys.  And I had a realization.

I am convinced that no man, once he gets to know me and spend time with me, will ever really want to be with me.  He will discover that I am not what he thought I was, or that he is no longer attracted to me, and he will move on.  And I will be left wondering what I did wrong and how I should have been different.

I joke about my quirks because I hope that by honestly getting them out there no guy will ever be surprised when he gets to know me.  Because I am terrified of again not making the cut.

This last week my brother suggested a podcast for me to listen to.  The first few minutes on it are a monologue that he thought sounded like one of my blog entries, so he figured I would get a kick out of.  And I did--it perfectly described single life in the church!  But I listened to the rest of the podcast, and it was all about singleness.  About how getting married doesn't complete you, but how you need to be striving toward completion in Christ.  You don't want two incomplete people getting married in hopes of finding their completion because that is not healthy.

I just got back from my Sunday night where I have an amazing group of women to talk with.  Our prayer times always go long, but tonight it went especially long as each of us put aside masks and became vulnerable with each other.  I wasn't going to mention what I was dealing with, but right toward the end one leader looked at me and said, "Chronicler, what about you?  Do you have any prayer requests?"

So I admitted my fear.  I admitted my hurt.  And in response I found a community of women willing to surround me with their love and their prayers.  I also found a group of women who love me for who I am, oddities and all.

This weekend I got the opportunity to join the girls volleyball team I co-coached last year as they were at a tournament two hours away.  Their new co-coach couldn't make it, so I was able to step in and be with these girls I grew to love so dearly last year.  It was an incredible experience and my voice is still raspy from all of the cheering and shouting.  When I left, I felt like I was leaving behind a tiny piece of my heart.  These girls signed a card thanking me for coming, and one even said, "Ms. Chronicler, thank-you for cheering for us.  We couldn't have done as well as we did without you."  I realized that there was a group of girls who loved and appreciated me for me; who think my personality is great and enjoy being around me.

You have been following my journey as a Christian single, and lately that journey has focused a great deal on who I am in Christ, and on how He has created me the way that I am and that He loves me... for me... 

I think, slowly but surely, that God is bringing me along the road toward completeness in Him.  I can't base my value on what a man thinks of me--I have done this in the past and the result is a lot of hurt and even more fear for the future.  But I think God is showing me that He loves me, and that there are others out there (and not just family and close friends) who love and appreciate me as I am.

I know the fear is still there, and I think some aspect of uncertainty may always remain, or at least take awhile to disappear, but I also know I serve a God who is patient and who, as I strive to know and glorify and love Him, will mend me and bring me to completeness in Him.

Such is the life of a Christian single.