My head hurts. My eyes burn. And I am pretty sure that tears are going to start falling at any moment, seeing as they have been doing that since the end of Bible study tonight. I'm lying in bed with blankets (yes, all seven of my blankets) pulled up to my chin, while my bare arms are shivering slightly with cold and emotional drain.
Have you ever had times where you seemed to so open to God, allowing Him to work and change different aspects of your life, without realizing that there was a hidden part of your being that you were hiding from Him? Not because you were scared of what He would do, but because you were scared of the pain it would inflict on you to admit to Him?
I hinted at this earlier, but if I am chronicling my journey through life with all of you, then perhaps I need to be honest.
Today I feel broken.
For the past couple of weeks I have been fighting acknowledging a fact that was nagging at the back of the mind. I was certain that if I ignored this hint of insecurity and focused on other things with God then eventually it would go away. But it didn't. It got worse. You know what brought on the breaking point? A friend looked at me after church this morning and asked me how I was doing. And she didn't want my "I'm okay." She wanted to know how I was really feeling.
That care she took caused cracks to appear in the wall I had built between my mind and the nagging insecurity. By the time I made it to Bible study and we had divided into groups for prayer the wall resembled Jericho after the trumpets had been blown.
I felt like God had brought me so far that I should not still have to struggle with being single, or with feeling ugly or like my quirks were a fault. But for the last two weeks or so I could feel myself fighting with feelings I haven't felt in a long time.
At study tonight we were discussing prayer, and reading in the Psalms where David is sighing and groaning to God. It hit me then. I have been okay to talk to God about other struggles, like with church or friends. But with my feelings of inadequacy I wasn't willing to go before Him. I didn't want to be vulnerable there. I didn't want to lay my soul bare before Him. Not that I didn't trust Him. I just didn't trust myself. And I didn't want to have to deal with wounds that I thought were well on their way to healing.
I know I touched a little on this in yesterday's post, but at that point I was still running. So I am going to be honest and lay it all out before you guys.
Lately, I have felt ugly. I have felt like no matter how hard I try I will never be beautiful. I feel like my quirks are a curse. I have tried to embrace them but feel like an alien. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like sometimes God is mocking me. Like He sees my heart and desires and could care less. I know this isn't true, but sometimes it feels that way. I feel like there must be something wrong with me. Like something about me screams "Stay away from her! She is unloveable! Back away and leave her alone!" when inside my heart is breaking.
I know it my head that God loves me and I am trying to remember all of the ways He has revealed that love to me. But right now that is just hard to do. Right now I am raw.
I know that the women from my Bible study are praying for me. I know my sister in the room next door is praying for me and loving me. I know I have support, and I know that support loves me. I know I have a God and I know that He loves me.
I guess I'm just having trouble loving myself.
Such is the life of a Christian single.
Have you ever had times where you seemed to so open to God, allowing Him to work and change different aspects of your life, without realizing that there was a hidden part of your being that you were hiding from Him? Not because you were scared of what He would do, but because you were scared of the pain it would inflict on you to admit to Him?
I hinted at this earlier, but if I am chronicling my journey through life with all of you, then perhaps I need to be honest.
Today I feel broken.
For the past couple of weeks I have been fighting acknowledging a fact that was nagging at the back of the mind. I was certain that if I ignored this hint of insecurity and focused on other things with God then eventually it would go away. But it didn't. It got worse. You know what brought on the breaking point? A friend looked at me after church this morning and asked me how I was doing. And she didn't want my "I'm okay." She wanted to know how I was really feeling.
That care she took caused cracks to appear in the wall I had built between my mind and the nagging insecurity. By the time I made it to Bible study and we had divided into groups for prayer the wall resembled Jericho after the trumpets had been blown.
I felt like God had brought me so far that I should not still have to struggle with being single, or with feeling ugly or like my quirks were a fault. But for the last two weeks or so I could feel myself fighting with feelings I haven't felt in a long time.
At study tonight we were discussing prayer, and reading in the Psalms where David is sighing and groaning to God. It hit me then. I have been okay to talk to God about other struggles, like with church or friends. But with my feelings of inadequacy I wasn't willing to go before Him. I didn't want to be vulnerable there. I didn't want to lay my soul bare before Him. Not that I didn't trust Him. I just didn't trust myself. And I didn't want to have to deal with wounds that I thought were well on their way to healing.
I know I touched a little on this in yesterday's post, but at that point I was still running. So I am going to be honest and lay it all out before you guys.
Lately, I have felt ugly. I have felt like no matter how hard I try I will never be beautiful. I feel like my quirks are a curse. I have tried to embrace them but feel like an alien. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like sometimes God is mocking me. Like He sees my heart and desires and could care less. I know this isn't true, but sometimes it feels that way. I feel like there must be something wrong with me. Like something about me screams "Stay away from her! She is unloveable! Back away and leave her alone!" when inside my heart is breaking.
I know it my head that God loves me and I am trying to remember all of the ways He has revealed that love to me. But right now that is just hard to do. Right now I am raw.
I know that the women from my Bible study are praying for me. I know my sister in the room next door is praying for me and loving me. I know I have support, and I know that support loves me. I know I have a God and I know that He loves me.
I guess I'm just having trouble loving myself.
Such is the life of a Christian single.
You aren't alone in this struggle, Jess. I think I understand a little bit how you feel. You are so brave to write about this and be so open and to lay it down before God. I pray that you will see how wonderful, loving, and beautiful you are. Because that's the way I see you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank-you, Sabrina. I sure didn't feel brave writing it; I felt more like a cowardly wimp. But I am doing better now and have definitely felt the prayers of everyone. I love you and miss you, my friend.
ReplyDelete