Ugh...
I kind of want to crawl into bed, wrap my blankets tightly around myself and watch movies until my eyes bleed. Or read a novel that has nothing to do with school. Or have someone stroke my hair and tell me everything is going to be okay.
It has been a bit of a weekend. Not all bad, not at all. Like the Lord of the Rings marathon I had yesterday with my sister and some friends. All three extended editions of the movies, all day. It was pretty epic. I just about cried when the elves showed up at Helms Deep, and don't even get me started on the scene where Eomer comes across Eowyn's body on the Fields of Pelennor. And then you have the numorous inspirational speeches that make me want to take up arms and charge into battle with the rest of them.
It has been a bit of a weekend for other reasons. Like the group presentation I am supposed to do tomorrow night (the hour and a half talk on "The Great God Pan"). One of the sisters of my partner died on the weekend. My heart is just breaking for her. But now I also have to present on my own. My prof totally understand and won't penalize me for length or anything like that (she also doesn't expect it to be as long), but I am still extra nervous because it will be me up there talking to the class with no one else beside me. And public speaking freaks me out. I have been told I am not too bad at it, but my hands shake almost the entire time I am talking. I must prefer drama--let me act out someone who is not myself before an audience. That I can do. So there is one aspect of my increased stress level.
Next you have the essay I wrote yesterday while watching The Fellowship of the Ring. This would be the essay that my prof finally emailed me about today to tell me how a bunch of it won't actually work and how I should change it. So I have spent the afternoon RE-writing an essay and doing some extra research. Yay me.
I also have two midterms and another essay due this week. The essay is done but here is an example of another prof who decided to change her criteria a week before the paper is due, and so I have to spend the week studying and changing parts of my paper.
Did I mention that I am also facilitating Bible study tonight? I don't think that will be difficult but given how the rest of today has gone it makes me want to cry.
I am stressed out and to be honest I am also battling a mild case of depression. I live in a pretty dark city, and this weekend has been darker than usual. The sun has remained hidden behind the clouds and the result if a very dark basement suite. And as much as I have been feeling better from what I have termed my "emotional breakdown" of last week, I am still struggling with several of the insecurities and emotions involved.
And that bothers me. I feel like I should be able to ignore it, hand it over to God, and then not struggle with it anymore. But apparently life doesn't work out that way. I had a dream Friday night where I was in a church and talking to the congregation about the need to be vulnerable before God. In the dream everyone ignored me.
This morning I was sitting in church realizing that I have been doing that very same thing. Several times over the last week, through multiple means, I have felt like God has been telling me to just be vulnerable with Him. But I don't want to be because I feel like that means admitting failure--admitting that I am not doing as well as I would like to believe I am. But I am also never going to be able to move on until I come before God and completely lay my heart bare.
Which is much easier said than done, but is something I will endeavor to do.
Alright, enough procrastination! I have worked on a paper, I must finish working on my Bible study, and then I must go over a presentation. If you don't hear from me again, I will probably have disappeared into the abyss that is my bed and may never return from it!
Such is the life of a Christian single.
I kind of want to crawl into bed, wrap my blankets tightly around myself and watch movies until my eyes bleed. Or read a novel that has nothing to do with school. Or have someone stroke my hair and tell me everything is going to be okay.
It has been a bit of a weekend. Not all bad, not at all. Like the Lord of the Rings marathon I had yesterday with my sister and some friends. All three extended editions of the movies, all day. It was pretty epic. I just about cried when the elves showed up at Helms Deep, and don't even get me started on the scene where Eomer comes across Eowyn's body on the Fields of Pelennor. And then you have the numorous inspirational speeches that make me want to take up arms and charge into battle with the rest of them.
It has been a bit of a weekend for other reasons. Like the group presentation I am supposed to do tomorrow night (the hour and a half talk on "The Great God Pan"). One of the sisters of my partner died on the weekend. My heart is just breaking for her. But now I also have to present on my own. My prof totally understand and won't penalize me for length or anything like that (she also doesn't expect it to be as long), but I am still extra nervous because it will be me up there talking to the class with no one else beside me. And public speaking freaks me out. I have been told I am not too bad at it, but my hands shake almost the entire time I am talking. I must prefer drama--let me act out someone who is not myself before an audience. That I can do. So there is one aspect of my increased stress level.
Next you have the essay I wrote yesterday while watching The Fellowship of the Ring. This would be the essay that my prof finally emailed me about today to tell me how a bunch of it won't actually work and how I should change it. So I have spent the afternoon RE-writing an essay and doing some extra research. Yay me.
I also have two midterms and another essay due this week. The essay is done but here is an example of another prof who decided to change her criteria a week before the paper is due, and so I have to spend the week studying and changing parts of my paper.
Did I mention that I am also facilitating Bible study tonight? I don't think that will be difficult but given how the rest of today has gone it makes me want to cry.
I am stressed out and to be honest I am also battling a mild case of depression. I live in a pretty dark city, and this weekend has been darker than usual. The sun has remained hidden behind the clouds and the result if a very dark basement suite. And as much as I have been feeling better from what I have termed my "emotional breakdown" of last week, I am still struggling with several of the insecurities and emotions involved.
And that bothers me. I feel like I should be able to ignore it, hand it over to God, and then not struggle with it anymore. But apparently life doesn't work out that way. I had a dream Friday night where I was in a church and talking to the congregation about the need to be vulnerable before God. In the dream everyone ignored me.
This morning I was sitting in church realizing that I have been doing that very same thing. Several times over the last week, through multiple means, I have felt like God has been telling me to just be vulnerable with Him. But I don't want to be because I feel like that means admitting failure--admitting that I am not doing as well as I would like to believe I am. But I am also never going to be able to move on until I come before God and completely lay my heart bare.
Which is much easier said than done, but is something I will endeavor to do.
Alright, enough procrastination! I have worked on a paper, I must finish working on my Bible study, and then I must go over a presentation. If you don't hear from me again, I will probably have disappeared into the abyss that is my bed and may never return from it!
Such is the life of a Christian single.
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