Do you ever feel like a complete hypocrite? Like you can profess something but when it comes to actually applying it you are an utter failure? Today I have been having one of those moments.
I had just finished telling a friend how content I am with waiting; that I am not desparate to get married and that while I would love to meet someone I know that I can wait until I meet the right guy. Shortly after this I had a glorious breakdown on God.
I have been in two dating relationships, neither one being particularly long, and the latter one really did a number on my self-esteem (something I hadn't fully realized until the last month or so). Today was a day where I just felt lonely. And not just lonely. I felt so undesirable and unloveable. I know God loves me and I know I have friends who love me--I have reiterated those facts countless times through many a blog entry.
But today I didn't feel it.
Today I felt like I was back in high school watching everyone around me pairing off while I just stood back encouraging them and trying to be happy for them. I felt like the time I put into my appearance today didn't matter because no one was going to be looking. Any confidence I felt like I had gained since coming back to school seemed to fly out the window. I felt undesirable.
I sat on the couch making flash cards for a midterm I have tomorrow while tears streamed down my face. I looked up at the ceiling and cried out, "God, what is so wrong with me?"
I wish I could end this with some uplifting lesson, but the truth is, I'm just not feeling it. I know I am loved. But today I just don't feel it. And if I'm going to share with you lessons God is teaching me, or funny experiences from being single, then I am also going to share the rough patches. Today was just one of those.
Such is the life of a Christian single.
I am now going to make an adjustment to this post. It is several hours later and I have since calmed down. There were multiple things that contributed to my feeling horrible, like a frustrating midterm, a grade I wasn't happy with, heck, tripping on my way home so that myself and my two bags went flying across the grass (embarassing much?). And, to be honest, I wish I was done with my schooling. I feel like life is on hold until I get this done, and I really want to get on with my life.
So I apologize for the emotional rant; it's not really the kind of post people want to read!
I had just finished telling a friend how content I am with waiting; that I am not desparate to get married and that while I would love to meet someone I know that I can wait until I meet the right guy. Shortly after this I had a glorious breakdown on God.
I have been in two dating relationships, neither one being particularly long, and the latter one really did a number on my self-esteem (something I hadn't fully realized until the last month or so). Today was a day where I just felt lonely. And not just lonely. I felt so undesirable and unloveable. I know God loves me and I know I have friends who love me--I have reiterated those facts countless times through many a blog entry.
But today I didn't feel it.
Today I felt like I was back in high school watching everyone around me pairing off while I just stood back encouraging them and trying to be happy for them. I felt like the time I put into my appearance today didn't matter because no one was going to be looking. Any confidence I felt like I had gained since coming back to school seemed to fly out the window. I felt undesirable.
I sat on the couch making flash cards for a midterm I have tomorrow while tears streamed down my face. I looked up at the ceiling and cried out, "God, what is so wrong with me?"
I wish I could end this with some uplifting lesson, but the truth is, I'm just not feeling it. I know I am loved. But today I just don't feel it. And if I'm going to share with you lessons God is teaching me, or funny experiences from being single, then I am also going to share the rough patches. Today was just one of those.
Such is the life of a Christian single.
I am now going to make an adjustment to this post. It is several hours later and I have since calmed down. There were multiple things that contributed to my feeling horrible, like a frustrating midterm, a grade I wasn't happy with, heck, tripping on my way home so that myself and my two bags went flying across the grass (embarassing much?). And, to be honest, I wish I was done with my schooling. I feel like life is on hold until I get this done, and I really want to get on with my life.
So I apologize for the emotional rant; it's not really the kind of post people want to read!
No need to apologize! That's what friends are for...to listen to rants and help you feel better. We all have days where we feel like that. I hope you know that you are beautiful inside and out.
ReplyDeletexox
Thank-you, Sabrina, that means a lot.
ReplyDelete